Exhaustion

Im relieved to be all snuggled up in bed at 9.30 tonight. Saturday was a killer day. I had a flat battery in my car. I was out at the time without my phone and luckily walking distance from home. Times like these I’m aware how little support I have here. I called roadside assist and they were pretty prompt and fixed it quickly but I was left in a dark place.

Luckily today a miracle happened my sister FINALLY CALLED ME. This is usually the first sign that her bi polar is on the upswing. She starts to think of others and wants to live again. I get scared and tired too though at times. Its been a very long low this last one and they have exhausted all the meds now. They want to give her a new technique, some form of inter brain stimulation and I was pleased she doesnt want it and she wants to get out of the psyche facility and exercise and be back in life. I can actually share talk and even cry with her now. I talk about my sister who died as well as Mum and Dad and that is a comfort.

I told her im not helping Scott any more and she was relieved. Tonight im exhausted but I feel some corner has been turned. I put my back out yesterday and its been very tender today. I’ll be fine if I take care of my energy…I just feel a deep shift of some kind with the tiredness like some level of dysfunctional will that has been driving me out of deeper vulnerable feelings has broken. Hard to explain but I remember reading about this in Mariin Woodman’s books on overcoming addiction and compulsively that robs us of true grounded authenticity.

I cried deeply in the car on the way home today for the longing for my Dad I see so much of him in my sister..the good stable grounded qualities. I know who my sister is goes far beyond any psychiatric ‘label’..shes a continuation of an ancestral story just like me but an individual too seeking a new life outside of it as well. Im lucky to have her. I’m grateful now she can tell me the words sometimes “I love you.” Its been a huge weight while shes been low with my brother maintaining his usual busy aloof distance. Ive felt so alone with it and I pray to Mum and Dad all the time. Our poor wounded family….Its been such a heavy burden at times being the family ‘witness’ but then so is my sis but in a different way due to the different roles we took on due to our temperaments and birth positions. Its a relief when we can get beyond those old roles.