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With affection

I’m feeling soft feelings towards my father lately. I get back to my cottage in a quiet leafy suburb that I was able to buy outright with help from my Mum and feel grateful now. It was a very fraught time when we bought it and my hand was forced and my sister was in the psychiatric unit having been tricked then committed by her younger son who felt she was spinning out of control. I see it very differently knowing what she had been through in the years before and how hard she was fighting. And she is possibly in a better place now even if she struggles still. She has softened and is more open now and I feel real love for her too and more compassion now some of the pain of the past has eased.

What I wouldnt give for an afternoon with my father now. I lost him 37 years ago and it was around October we found he was seriously ill. Late spring is associated with that but its not as raw as it was. And Mum passed in December.

I feel pretty complete this afternoon. The light is slowly fading and I find this the most spiritual time of day. Far off bird calls are barely audible in the breeze and I am counting my blessings while remembering my family. Yes I am alone but I am not totally alone. Jasper and I met a lovely lady at the dog park today and her dog and Jasper had a lot of fun wrestling with each other while she and I had a great chat about all kinds of subjects. I love most dog people finding them deeply in tune with nature.

Scott texted me while I was out. They had an emergency alert last nght which is why he could not reply to my message saying I was sorry I could not help. He was worried about all he has put me through and said no matter what happens with the money he will love me always and is prepared to see his deployment out if its too much for me to help any more as he tells me all the time I have helped him so much. (Crying now.) My parents worked so hard and got no time to enjoy what they worked so hard for which makes me sad. Mum had 33 years alone without the love of her life. She did remarry but it was rebound thing and she regretted it.

Maybe I am finally accepting life on life’s terms. I dont feel anger any more. The body symptoms I have struggled with are dying down these past few days I have been praying for my will to come into alignment with God’s will. I am not in conrol of much apart from my reactions these days and yet I also have the power to make healthier choices, if I am not reacting as much out of buried grief and feelings of powerlessness my life will be far more grounded and ‘sane’. I will be flowing with the tide rather than battling against it all the time.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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11 thoughts on “With affection”

  1. Never easy losing foundation of your pack Deborah

    Reminse the times and moments you were able to share together, knowing you had 2 ppl that forged your foundation to who you are now is truly a precious gift to be granted in life.

    They did all they could for you, unlike me the one that was suppose to protect you from Nemesis was the erosion to ripping away my innocence as a child.

    I am sorry for your solace of sorrow know they are in better place surrounded by God’s hand of grace.

    As for it The belly of Hell’s deepest and corrugated silent trench would be an act of mercy!

    For so many yrs. I was left to linger in tormenting ,agony to lashed out in silence. My Guardian Watcher still not sure what or who appeared to me was Raven came to my window.

    And the dark which embrace and molded me with solace of acceptance from it’s open arms were what came to know as only state of comfort.

    https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/06/09/dark-guardian/

    https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/05/27/fire-storm-embers-of-deception/

    beo i gcónaí le ciontú i do chroí

    Alex

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    1. I was such a deep deep deep dark journey for you Alex. My father didnt protect me at certain times when I really needed it after my near death accident and sisters aneurysm but i have to forgive now. But at least they were not actively abusive such as you suffered. That was hell pure and simple for you. I am glad you found your guardians. The psyche with a strong will to live and be authentic finds these inner protectors or ‘watchers’ such as your Raven.
      💖

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