Being kind to my lost heartbroken self

I felt pretty lost and heartbroken this morning. I had to tell Scott last night that I cannot send the final payment to free him. It’s a lot of money and I could afford it since he is paying it back, but the truth was when spoke to my body about it the answer I got was that it was too much for me to cope with after the year and a half of financial help I have given to him. I had a huge bruise on my left leg from where it got hit with the fridge door last week when I was so upset to find that even more was going to be required of me. I really it my limit last week as to being the one who takes on board the trials and burdens of others and last night I got a categorical message from my body that it was all too much.

I cried to see he read the message I sent without replying this morning but I know its fine to cry. I have set a boundary and its going to hurt a bit before it gets better. This is just the way of things in the adult world. Never the less this morning an avalanche of lost young feelings came to the surface as I sat looking at the house Mum pushed me into at auction. It seems there have always been larger wills directly me and I am a bit fed up with it. It is now time to get into the driver’s seat of my own life. As far as feeling ‘lost’ is concerned. Its a feeling I had since I was young in a family I didn’t feel seen and heard. Now it is time for me to see and hear myself and this includes sitting with the young self in order to nurture her and guide he and listen deeply to her fears, longings, feelings and insecurities correcting her false beliefs that she absorbed when she was growing up.

At the moment I need a lot of encouragement when I make decisions from the adult directive part of myself in order to know and trust that I can stand on my own two feet and in my true feelings and personal power. Trusting my feelings means trusting my body sensations. It means not letting that disparaging Inner Critic tear me down when I express authentic needs. There is a Killer part of me that tries to end or destroy what is lively or nurturing or good in so many ways and I want it to stop doing that. And I am THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO IT.

Today I fully understand I have to befriend myself. And that means ALL of me, even the messy, confused, lost, sad, angry, distraught OR ALONE child parts of me that foundered in life and so often made me feel like I had to pretend to be someone else than who I really was. As I listen to those parts of myself, I learn things about my past that make sense of how I feel now. I understand that now is not the past too. Right now, in this moment I do have the capacity to make diferent choices not ones based on old childhood injuries and hurts.

I can also when I talk to my lost child find out what the hurts of the past are that re being triggered now and I can act in ways to meet my own needs if the situation I am involved in is hurting me too much. However what I most need to be on alert for are old triggers that set me off to a path of downward spiral. Getting out of my head and into my body at such times works wonders for me. Getting back in touch with nature puts me back in a more pure alignment with my True Self (where I feel connected to both God and my Higher Power) I find lately. It pushes my reset button into a good place. Self compassion and self love practice really works!!