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Nasty things he said

In the eyes of my ex (partner not husband) I was ‘not right in the head’. There were many nasty things he said to me over the course of our four year on again/off again relationship. Each time he broke it off : the first two times because I was “too sad’ and “too vulnerable” (valid reasons for both mind you) I went back begging and was told be re-accepted was conditional upon me changing myself which am so sorry to say I tried to do and ended up failing badly at.

I actually had three falls of the course of the relationship often when he wanted to depend on me entirely and make me sacrifice all of my needs for his. Early on I was told not to expect much and that I would be put second place to his first love ‘surfing’ and the first date he left me for an hour sitting on the beach after eating sandwiches I made while he pursued his ‘first love.’

I wont go into a long winded ‘sour grapes’ post (yes, thanks for that Mr A : my inner critic) but today I need to get this shit off my chest of what he said to me. I have gone over and over it in therapy but I still think at times us breaking up was my fault even though he never supported me when I needed it but expected me to support him 100 percent. Today with both Mercury and Venus in Libra (the sign of mirrors and close personal relationships) close to square with Pluto I need to ‘unearth” this and burn it up.

“No one would ever want you with all your trauma.”

“You are so messy, you leave your crap everywhere tripping up my peace.”

“You are so screwy. flighty and insecure.” (Yeah go figure I wonder why???)

“I deserve a commendation or medal of honour for all the years I’ve spent with you.”

After visiting my now dead sister in a home where she had acquired brain injury and used to cry a lot “You better watch out you don’t end up like her.”

Yes, my family had a lot of trauma. Was it my fault? Yes at times I was so insecure and needy emotionally because so long ago I learned there was no one much to rely on.

I forgive my ex partner now as I know he needed support too having come from a very dysfunctional alcoholic home, but unlike him I did not blame him for his trauma. And I didn’t try to make him feel there was something wrong with him. Never the less when it ended I felt suicidal for over four years as things he said to me lodged deep inside me like psychic schrapnel.

Oh and for the astrologically minded his Moon was conjunct Chiron in Pisces exactly opposite both Uranus and Pluto in Virgo.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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8 thoughts on “Nasty things he said”

  2. Im sorry to read that… words can hurt some people are experts at it id rather get punched in the head than some one degrade me to make me feel like i’m gutter and words do scare some women and men for a long time, and i know that my son is a very powerful man and can fight, but his ex scared that kid for a long time with her savage and sick mind.. as a man punches hurt you for a while but words can deflate your pride and the man you thought you were..
    I think you sound like a pretty good lady, i don’t know the man in the article but really sorry why do you feel thats you and need to be there. Words build self confidence, self pride, make you feel good, and can make you feel you are a good person.. Or than do the opposite degrade you, destroy and self confidence you had , with the feeling of being demoralised. I know as just today the secretary of our company in which i see only once a month, said as i walked in the door.. Paul you have lost some weight looking really good keep it up.. well simple words made my day it was good and i feel really good inside with a short lift of confidence.
    Look after ya self and keep moving forward it will get better.

    #Lifeat60.

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    1. Yes I learned from that relationship what true love WASNT. It was a tough lesson but now I wouod stand up against such abuse. In fact at the end I gave up as I knew Id just never measure up.

      Im so glad someone spoke lovingly to you today. We all need that..why try tearing people down?

      Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate your feedback.
      Deborah

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      1. No worries Deborah hope every thing goes well fo you and i wasn’t being personal but it’s such a strong value of my life the way i speak and the way people speak to me.
        Paul

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