Being alone and feeling lonely : some reflections

I had a spate of feeling quite lonely and down on myself and disconnected this morning and I then went out for a lovely walk in spring air with Jasper. I connected to a couple of people with dogs along the way, we walked and threw the ball around at the oval. I swang on the swing set at the park and read a bit of my book before Jasper ‘bossed’ me into getting back to the car. I then went to get a take away coffee at my favourite café and sat in the sun in the car reading more of Rupert Thomson’s book on the break he had with his brother.

I felt less lonely for getting out and about even though I didn’t really need to connect to many people to experience an improvement in my mood. I also got out of my head and into my body which often holds me ‘captive’ with trauma cascade around my head and neck due to the trauma imprints. I was thinking then of how we can feel alone in a crowd when there is no one to connect with. Some women came to the café with their dogs just as I was leaving and I found myself wishing to be part of a walking group before realising in other such ‘groups’ I haven’t connected and often felt the odd one out. And I realised its ALL GOOD AND I NEED TO HONOUR THAT ALONE TIME SUITS ME. IT REALLY REALY DOES EVEN IF AT TIMES I GET LONELY.

Maybe it has something to do with being a sensitive empath with trauma, or with knowing a fair bit intuitively but I know now there is a reason I often feel on the ‘outside’ because when I feel inside myself I actually feel peaceful, connected and at home for most of the time, especially if engaged in pursuits that I enjoy. And its interesting that I just read the following quote from Rilke in Thomson’s book

“It seems to me that the ultimate intuitions and insights will only approach one who lives in his work and remains there.”

When I read that quote a while before I read the world ‘world’ in the place of the word ‘work’, though. Staying close to the intuitive, creative self does demand of us some silence and lots of inner connection. Some of us abused as youngsters get thrown off the track of our intuition and we may be seen as a bit ‘crazy’ by some when we come out with things we sense or feel, but that probably marks us out, less as mad and more as gifted or attuned to deeper realities. Artists of necessity work with the inner world’s they find to make sense and comment on the forces that surround us in culture and society. They stay close to their pain and disappointments and use them to make art and transform their suffering at the same time making comment on archetypal experiences all human beings undergo.

Getting back in touch with ourselves, for empaths and intuitives as well as introverts requires quiet time which extraverts will judge us for in wrong ways, especially if it clashes with their needs. I had a lot of this in my last relationship in which he called me ‘agraphobic’ when I preferred not to go out and mix much socially. That said I have an extraverted side too, buried in my shadow, and who knows if it wasn’t socialised out of me by parents who kept to themselves and only worked, never played much, rested or dreamed or allowed me to engage in creative pursuits seeing them as ‘a waste of time’ or laughing at me in a needling way for being ‘too dramatic’ and ‘too lively.’

Now its a gift to let myself slow down, relish my alone time, explore my inner self through poems and blogs. At times I get lambasted by the inner critic for all of this who sees such things as a waste of time, interesting that is the internalised negative voice I attracted externally in my last partner. I had lessons to learn in that relationship and not all he said as criticism was wrong but it did come out of a defensive place.

Coming to know myself and love myself for who I really am deep inside has been a hell of a long journey for me. I was gratified to get a call from someone yesterday who sidelined me in an Al Anon group a few years back for being angry. It was actually good to hear from her and I understood why we clashed so much in the past but also the ground we had in common. That painful time in Al Anon where all my anger and rage came out was necessary and I could not have it validated there where the emphasis is on forgiving and understanding the multigenerational wounding and trauma of addiction, abandonment and co-dependence, I needed therapy for that. But I also get the forgiveness aspect now. Staying angry was not going to help me heal entirely even if the anger was warranted. I needed to soften into the pain that lay under the anger while using anger in the present as a sign of where present day violations may lie. I have a better handle on it now and I understand that in 12 step groups people carry all different levels of defences and wounding and insight or blind spots. I was grateful to the person who reached out to me yesterday and only feel the love I felt for all of it now. Maybe my wounded heart is slowly healing from its damage and that has required a hell of a lot of alone time, in order to come back in touch with my truest, deepest, most authentic Self.