Its a shame about shame

I felt a bit sad for Chris Flemming in the interview I shared a few posts back when he said that he was worried how his memoire on addiction ; On Drugs, would be received due to shame and stigma surrounding ‘mental health’. I don’t think its a failing to be where we are and to suffer the burdens we do. We have all inherited a particular legacy and are impinged upon by both familial and collective forces in the culture, also there are dominant prevailing ‘myths’ or expectations in our culture. It seems that its a source of shame to struggle, or be human and vulnerable, to feel anxiety, to find it hard to get out of bed or be in a world which so often is far from accepting of truth of the authentic plight of our human condition.

And the truth is often people are judged by other people who have not one clue at all of what that person has endured in their lives and then there are those who keep their own dark family secrets and pains or severings under ‘wraps’ and then deign to judge others. I saw a fair bit of this in my own family when my sister in law told my mother she did not want her daughter anywhere near to my older sister following her psychotic break. That said I understand my sister in law wished for a healthier influence around her children and that is fair enough but my niece ended up having her own breakdown around the same age as my older sister who she was not allowed to have much to do with.

My sister in law was then judged by the family for this attitude without our family really knowing where her attitude of imperviousness came from.

I’m not a huge fan of Catholicism for many reason but I am a fan of a lot of the teachings of Jesus. “Judge not, lest you be judged.” That said we have the right to draw the line where we wish to set our own personal boundaries but it just seems to me that often when we judge that something should not be the way it is, we forget there is actually a very good reason for the said thing being this way. That is why I like the AA saying ‘accept life on life’s terms’, while doing the very best possible to live with life in such a way as not to make too painful for ourselves or anyone else.

To my mind there is no shame in struggling with fear or anxiety, with jealousy or other so called ‘dark’ or murderous feelings and to my mind we are far better off owning the true way we feel because then the likely hood of us having to act those feelings is probably decreased. Getting an insight into our ‘dark side’ or what Carl Jung called personal and collective shadow means we allow for the wholeness and don’t get caught up in narrow, superficial, one sided definitions or expectations to the way humans ‘should or should not’ be acting. It also means our ability to exercise compassion grows. It does not prohibit the erection of personal boundaries but just means we are in a better position to know where they fall for us.

I have often come out in my blog and shared about things I have felt shame or deep regret about. I have been honest about my addiction. I am not really scared as to how it is received any more. I found peace through sharing a good friend’s honest 5th step very early on in my own sobriety and saw that others also struggled with painful issues they had buried or acted out in their addictions. That gave me the courage to be more honest. We need those who are willing to stand up, be honest, come out and share their own weaknesses, flaws, wounds and personal vulnerabilities. We are not bad or weak for the way we struggle. We are not flawed for having been hurt by early trauma, neglect or abuse, we are not to blame for the family inheritance we are bequeathed. In fact it takes courage to face it all in a world the would often rather we deny the truth or own up to the realities that seem to be just too difficult, trying or painful for many to honestly name.