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Burden

It aches in my heart to see lately

So many things I could not understand before

There is a saying that youth is wasted on the young

And yet we have to sing our song

Even if so often

We end up

Getting so many of the notes ‘wrong’

Whoever said that this life was

About getting it ‘right’

And who knows how many mistakes we have to make

Or how many dark nights

We will founder

With so many feelings

Difficult to unravel

All mixed up inside

There are times now that I travel back

And then I know the past is often present

As memories and reflections

Slowly seep into my mind

Of experiences I left behind

At times like these when the pain level is high

I let myself just laugh or cry

Knowing that I did my very best

At the time

Yes its a bloody platitude

And yes if I knew

A better way

I would not have so often faltered

Or lacked the capacity to be

Just that little bit braver

Than I was

So now

I will just do my best

To let past chips fall where they lay

And understand that time brings wisdom

Only after the fact

Reminding myself not

To make a prison of it

Showering compassion

And love

Upon the pain

Even as so often

In struggling with these burdens

My heart breaks

My legs shake

And my soul aches

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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31 thoughts on “Burden”

  1. *hug* do not dwell; grow. Never forget how amazing you are. Everything you’ve done and gone through has made you this incredible, talented human being 🖤

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      1. We all do. That’s one of the measurements of a good person. Only good people get down from their past because they feel ashamed. People who don’t care tend to grow less or repeat.

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      2. You know its so funny as when I came out of that last abusive relationship he had me questioning my own narcissism but someone said to me if you ask yourself that question then you aren’t one… as narcs don’t ever think they did one thing wrong. Yeah so I really get it.

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      3. That’s what they do. My ex used to say ,”if I am a narcissist, tell me what of my actions make me that? What can you say about me that you can’t also say about you?”

        Did he lovebomb you? Mine used to write me love poetry, swore off all other women, came on super strong, and matched himself to be exactly my dream man.

        Did he start to change once he had you? Mine harped on every single mistake I made, tormented me, screamed at me, put me down, and then used sex to bring us closer.

        Did he start to discard? Mine started pulling away until completely pulling away. I broke it off and he used that against me.

        This was a guy who 1 woman was never enough for, saw the world in terms of what he could get out of people, etc.

        They purposely prey on empathetic people who want to see the best in everyone. That’s why they feed on us. They take our light and snuff us out. You and I were the lucky ones 🖤

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      4. Yep. I think the minute a guy starts going on about how he is the only one who will ever love you like that its an immediate red flag.

        Basically I was told it was his way or the highway one too many times. I was read a riot act for being sad, messy, having family trauma. the list goes on .. despite this I stayed for 4 years and he is the one who broke it off about 4 times.
        We are far better off out of it. How long ago did yours end?
        Yes we are lucky to be free.

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      5. For me, I was healing from something else when he found me. He was constantly on my case for being cautious. He took it to mean I was more willing to do things for others than I was for him, so as to inadvertently shame me into giving more of myself than I was ok with.

        I broke it off after 6 months, and then we’d talk on and off for a few before splitting ways.

        He was like a drug. It was like I knew he was horrible, but the way he made me feel when he was good to me was better than anyone had ever made me feel before. Every time we would talk again, he would just give me a taste of that again before flipping the switch on me.

        And like an idiot I kept coming back. When I’d leave again I’d block his number and stay as far away as possible. It’s been about 2 months now and I feel great to finally be over it.

        Like you in this post, I do sometimes dwell on it and have so much shame for going back to someone I know was toxic for me.

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      6. I understand how addictive it was. I kept letting my ex hurt me and I begged to be taken back which makes me feel so ill now that I understand he never really loved me at all…. a real person who loves you accepts when you are sad and tries to comfort you. But I came out of neglect and I didn’t expect it..

        Yes, I was a mess when I met Phil. I was living entirely alone at the coast. I see a lot more about it now, like you do.

        I hope you can stay strong. I had to stop any kind of contact with my ex after a year as it only pulled me back. Like a drug I had to go ‘cold turkey’. BEST WAY!!

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      7. I begged too! He made me feel like I was the one who messed up and I had to beg him so he knew he was important to me. He’d have me beg and beg only to reject me a million times over. I swore I would never beg for a man again.

        Its for sure over with him. The last time I spoke with him he got very creepy and said a lot of extremely inappropriate things to me. I am in the early stages of seeing someone new and thusfar it’s going well.

        With clearer peace of mind I am noticing a lot. For one, I had no physical or real emotional attraction. It was all an illusion he crafted to be my ideal man. Thats what they do. They collect people in their fragile states and promise to put them back together only to break them more when they’re done playing with them.

        Lesson learned and life goes on. You and I are so much stronger because of it. We may need something stronger than scotched tape and glue to hold us together, but we’re surviving 😊

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      8. I am relieved to think someone else begged too. Sad to say it, but you nailed how Phil was with everything you said. I guess they get a whiff of our starvation and then just give the right tidbits until they ‘hook’ us. Its predatory for sure.

        I am glad you have someone after such a shit ride, these kind of people can break us. they really can. xoxo

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      9. Thank you. I think I needed to go through this because I am finally ok with being alone. As much as I am with someone, if he were gone tomorrow, life would go on. Anyone who would make you beg in the first place needs to go.

        Maybe our exes will spend cocktail hours in hell together having a contest to see who is the bigger piece of shit? 😂

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      10. I don’t know I don’t resent him as much as I used to. I just want to let all the pain of it go because he caused me hell.

        I think once we love our own company we are going to attract a better kind of reflection from out there.

        I love that you are here though. I just get an uplift when I read your comments. Sorry to miss this one yesterday I went out for a walk with Jasper. xoxo

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      11. It’s ok! I am glad to be back here. I thought I never would be after my ex, but I love it too much. More than posting, i love this. What we’re doing here. I love supporting other people who have been through it and need someone who understands. The world can be so lonely and empathy is a gift. Instead of sharing it with people who don’t deserve it, we have an opportunity to give back to other empaths through art and support. I just wasn’t willing to give that up 🖤

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      12. This site has honestly saved me. I started this blog after someone on here shared in her blog a poem I wrote about my ex in 2013. She gave me the courage to start and I was still not out from all the shit he told me. That has taken years and a few failed attempts at therapy.

        I just feel if I can help one person that is enough and I am so glad for those who help me too. So thanks honey. I really really appreciate you… ❤

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      20. We do, but it’s hard to separate the people who can benefit from having an empath around from someone who will bleed us dry. We can have red flags, but when they give us rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags 😔

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  4. Raw in your deliverance Deborah

    There are many things you can be inflicted and endured that you pray for the tormenting debilitating agony to just fucking end and put you outta your decaying misery.

    “Always fight for what matters to your conviction ” E.O.S

    Luas dia I do thuras

    Alex

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