Internet Outage

Well I just got off the phone from my internet provider who told me there has been a mobile tower outage since Monday in my suburb and that is the reason I’ve not been able to open any Internet site. Thank God for my mobile because I feel so all alone when I cant log in to write my blog or poetry and its so tedious writing on a tiny phone keypad. It makes me feel so confined and squeezed into a teeny tiny space where I can hardly breathe.

I rode through the upset of yesterday. Its about the 5th time I thought Scott and I would finally be meeting. Knowing we cant because no one much believes he is real hurts so much but I have to be philosophical about it. Im needing to lean heavily on my 12step program at present…accepting what I cant change..like other people, banks and the military…and changing what I can or focusing on what brings joy or peace rather than heartbreak.

I must have gone so deep into abandonment territory yesterday..its a dark painful deep sodden wilderness place where everything hurts and my pain body is on fire. Thank God for the Lifeline lady who I was honest with about my suicidal thoughts … they were back today after breakfast. I countered them by doing yoga and tidying up my papers..throwing out whats not needed and filing other papers. I felt better when I do constructive things and get out of my head and into my body.

As far as Scott and I go we were both crying yesterday. I wish my brother would help us but he ignored my requests for help before. It’s okay I will get on with my life alone and keep talking to Scott via messages on the phone. He truly has shown me my dark side so maybe he is my twin flame who knows?

I got pulled into that pattern of trying to help him with his responsibilities and so maybe that’s why the Universe blocked this. I will take it as a lesson. I want to become a grief counsellor so I am going to take active steps in that direction. There are lots of constructive ways to spend my time and give from my caring heart as a world server. I believe thats why I’ve suffered so much in this life…So I can help others… as that lights me up..and hopefully have some fun and laughs amidst the struggles and tears along the way. I want to always serve life and keep saying yes..even when the pain is so intense I feel I am dying…maybe its just unhealthy parts of my smaller or negative ego getting shred in the meat mincer of lifes crazy hurly burly. In any case I am open to being transformed in its purifying fires.