Suspended between life and death

Ive not been in quiet as much deep emotional pain since my sister died in 2014. Ive not been curled up on the floor in foetal position crying like theres an ocean of tears inside me too large for my body to contain or feeling stabbing knives through my left breast cancer breast for some time. Today I dont feel.like I can sustain the thought of more time of living alone here with not one person who ever calls. Yes I DO call others. I try reaching out but it never seems to come back much and as much as I write poems about drawing comfort from silence today the aloneness and knowing all my money will be coming back to me and Scott and I will not be meeting just feels like death. Death of a dream. Death of real physical connection. Death of embodied relationship. I wrote a poem about being back in the wasteland earliervand iys how I feel today. Everything is dead inside even though I feel the breeze. If this connection goes Im back in traumatuc memory recall and that deep black fathomless sea of darkness again. Suspended in a half life half death state.

Hopefully writing this will change something. Hopefully it will give me the will to get out in my car to the lake with Jasper but right now Im back squeezed in the car with schrapnel all through me struggling not to die and struggling to breathe. Its fucking agony and I feel theres no way out of this deep soul torment of ongoing disappointment. I just hope articulating this helps me today. My heart feels totally shattered.