Pressure

The pressure to help someone I love is enormous. I feel so frustrated that my hands seem to be tied though, I know it is not my responsibility and I know that I can dig my heels in, it just means the person I love will be stuck in the hell he is in and I cannot do a thing. I am so angry at the moment at being put under more pressure. It never seems to abate and has gone on for more than 17 months now. I am beginning to think the only solution is to get as far away from home as I can. I don’t know another way to shut it all out. I am down to a minimum of funds now, I have other frozen funds, today he is putting pressure on me to put pressure on the bank to get those funds unfrozen. Fine give me a military invoice and I will take it to the bank and help you but without that NO MORE HELP. Its sounds perfectly fine and reasonable but can I carry on with it all okay? Can I put up the stop signs to someone?

Yesterday after I lashed out with a lot of accusations he told me all my money sent to him since May will be sent back and NEVER TO CONTACT HIM AGAIN. I should have let it go but immediately I went into a downward spiral cascade of my ‘bad’ self, but the truth is I was put in this situation of helping someone and I am suffering over and over and over for it.

I never watch the show NCIS but last night I had it on while doing other things and it concerned a man in recovery at a meeting and these were the words he said “I don’t want to suffer any more for the sins of others!” Wow. How often have I got caught up in other people’s shit? How many times have I taken the rap for arking up passionately when the underdog is being ground down? How often have I been sidelined for being genuinely angry about people showing a distinct lack of empathy to third persons? Far TOO MANY TIMES.

I got on the phone to Lifeline today after trying to call my therapist following a morning of complete breakdown and heartache where the pressure of grief and other feelings was so strong I literally COULD NOT STAND UP. The voices in my head were unrelenting. This is what they said.

Why don’t you do yourself in. You are unlovable, you are a waste of space, the world would be better off without you, you lash out at people and have such a dark energy. Just kill yourself. Do the world a favour. You would be BETTER OFF DEAD. (After talking his over with Kat she said my good self gets obliterated and I told her how this morning when I was lying in foetal position on the deck I felt I had actually regressed back to the state of a 2 year old infant just crying and crying for her mother.)

Thank God for the Lifeline lady who was an elderly Scottish woman. I told her all that was happening inside my head and with Scott. and she showed me empathy, what also came up is my dearth of social connections. I often reject socialising as too shallow but then I start to feel isolated and lonely. I cope with this by going to the big shopping centre 10 minutes from home and instantly feel better. Luckily today my niece in law also texted she said to go for a walk but walking made me more lonely than going to the shops. I know I must keep reaching out for connections and I will. I am glad I had the where with all to call the Life Line number just to get out of my head. I see how often I have isolated and how a lack of nurturing connections has influenced me. I would long for it to change. I would long for those who see and know and love the real me, but I also know this will only happen when I do it for myself

Tonight I am going to call on prayer. I am going to have some quiet time now. I am keeping the phone OFF for a while. I am just too tired of the pressure so I am going to take the pressure valve off and it may mean having to detach completely from pressurising sources even if that causes me pain. I am just sick to death of helping someone with shit they need to deal with right now. I am just sick to death of it. But the catch 22, not helping means I will end up all alone.