Pluto New Moon : some reflections on the past week of death, endings and letting go

Little did I know the New Moon on my first house Pluto would actually bring death close to me again, and we had a triple conjunction too with Mercury and Mars also within 2 degrees of my natal Pluto this week. News came that a friend died suddenly today, I only knew she was seriously ill on Sunday when a text came to me very very late at night. I loved her a lot and I will really miss her so much. I felt bereft hearing the news as dark storm clouds gathered but I was able to grieve immediately unlike when Dad died all of those years ago and my addiction kept everything under wraps for 13 more years.

I am very accepting of this death though. I know what my friend endured from family in the final few years of her life, part of the family tried to compensate and its not for me to judge anyone, I just know my friend had the best of her life in South Africa and it was time for her to go and I can understand that.

I am also reading Rupert Thomson’s book on the months following the death of his father and its interesting to read how he seeks to come to terms with everything in the book. As a writer he is able to explore his past relationship with his father and a problematic connection with one of his siblings. I felt sad today that unless I call my sister to tell her about my friend I wont get any call from her at all and the first person I called today when I got the news was my substitute therapist. That said it’s the way of my family, no one much reaches out or has interest in anyone but themselves and then I question and think maybe that is just the way of modern life.

I was rocked by the news of my friend but I am grateful today for my writing and so many things. I am grateful to have survived so far my own brush with breast cancer, I am grateful I was able to be there for my sister and mother in the final years even if when both were on the edge of death I left after the final goodbyes as I felt it may be easier for them to let go. I know now holding on to what is past its use by date only causes us hardship. I have done it in relationships which were not for me and not been able to cut it when it was time, I always kept hanging in there. Maybe its because I am a dogged metal ox, I don’t know but I know that the best way to ‘let go’ is to process things and feel them and experience them deeply. Our society in the main seems to fear the expression of intense emotions but for me it is cathartic its just these days I am getting more and more selective over who I show certain emotions to, so as not to be labelled in the wrong way.