The love we most long for : daily reflection

I felt myself allowing my body, mind and spirit open to the longing for love today after reading a beautiful extract in Tara Brach’s book True Refuge this morning about a woman dying from cancer who goes through profound process of healing by opening her own heart to her own longing for love. I had a beautiful relaxing bath this morning where I drifted off while partially listening to Stan Grant being interviewed about a new movie on racism he has made which is being released in cinemas this week. Parts of the interview made me so very sad to know what our aboriginal people have endured and it really should be called genocide. He also spoke of the colonialist idea that prior to its so called ‘discovery’, Australia was considered ‘terra nullis’ or ’empty’ land, I though of the supreme ignorance and superficiality of this idea and in any case anything that appears empty is often so full if we open to embrace that emptiness in deep openness, reverence and silence.

For our First Nation’s people the land of Australia or their ‘country’ is anything but empty, they feel themselves to be part of it and do not experience themselves as apart from it, they see it as part of their body and their body as part of it and unlike many white people who are so highly dissociated from the body and split off into ‘mind’ they would never abuse ‘country’.

Stan also spoke of the power of stories and then I thought of those who tell us not to get stuck in the ‘stories’ we tell ourselves, but if this is the case how do we go about honouring our truth and history while still being able to not let it destroy us (if the history is painful), while finding the gifts of strength and resilience to survive it? And how can we also rest safe in the knowing that somewhere there is a part of us that can expand to embrace the entire truth of what has happened to us? As Stan was saying certain events leave very deep wounds and never truly go away, and some may be invested in them not being fully acknowledged (especially perpetrators).

Anyway my bath was so peaceful despite this and reading the story of Julie in Tara’s book really opened my heart as I engaged in the process explored in the book of opening my heart to love. I believe that there is love present for us in any moment that we choose to open our hearts to it. I feel the love in nature and in the force of spirit or God or breath that moves through it. I also think there is a very profound level upon which the forces of pain, longing and love are so intrinsically interconnected so as to be truly indivisible and that this level is the level of our deepest soul which is located in our body and energy centres but most especially the heart.

Below is the story of Julie as told by Tara

Indian teacher Sri Nisargadarra writes, “The mind creates the abyss. The heart crosses over it.” Sometimes the abyss of fear and isolation is so wide that we hold back, unable to enter the sanctuary of presence, frozen in our pain. At such times, we need a taste of love from somewhere in order to begin the thaw.

This was true for our community member Julia as her cancer treatments continued. She was uncomplaining about her fatigue and pain, but as her friend Anna commented, “It feels like she’s barely there.” And despite her determination to “just handle it myself”, she was increasingly dependent. Her friend organised themselves to bring her food, and one evening when Anna came with some soup, she found Julia curled up in bed facing the wall. Julia thanked Anna weakly, told her she felt queasy and asked for her to leave the soup on the stove. She heard the door click, and she drifted off for a while. When she woke she felt the familiar utter aloneness, the sense that she was locked in a dying body. She began crying softly, and then to her surprise, she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. Anna had shut the door, but rather than leaving had been sitting quietly by her side. Now the crying turned into deep sobs. “Go ahead, just let it happen..it’s okay,” Anna whispered. “It’s okay, we are here together.” as Julia gave into the weight of her held back fear and grief.

“Some shield that I had put up between me and the world dissolved”. Julia told me the following week. “Even after Anna left, I could feel her care. The aloneness was gone.” But then a few days later, her shield hardened again. She had an appointment with her oncologist who told her the cancer had spread. “I guess I feel more isolated with I get scared.”

“Is the shield up now?’ I asked. “Do you feel scared and isolated?” She nodded, “It’s not too intense, because we are together. But there’s a place inside that feels so afraid.”

“You might takes some moments and tune into that place. Can you sense what that place in you most needs?”

Julie was quiet for a long time. “It wants love. Not just my love, though. It wants others to care. It’s saying, “Please love me.”

Tara then said,

“Julie see if you can let that wanting, that longing for love, be as big as it wants to be. Just give it permission and feel it from the inside out. Sense who you most want to feel love from… and when someone comes to mind, visualise that person right here and ask … say the words. “Please love me.” You might then imagine what it would be like to receive love, just the way you want it. “

Julia nodded again and was very still. After a minute or two she whispered a barely audible, “Please love me.” and then again a little louder. Tears appeared at the corner of her eyes. I encouraged her to keep going for as long as she wanted – visualising anyone who came to mind as a possible source of love saying. “Please love me.” I also suggested she imagine opening and allowing herself to receive the love. She continued and soon was weeping as she said the words. Gradually her crying subsided, and she was just whispering. Then there were deep spaces of silence between her words. Her face had softened and flushed slightly, and she had a slight smile.

When she opened her eyes they were shining. “I feel blessed.” she told me. “My life is entirely held in love.”

Julia continued her practice as her cancer progressed beginning to conduct her inner connection to the longing for, opening to and receiving of love out in nature and she continued to feel during these meditations the flowing sensation of love energy flooding her being until Julia felt herself becoming the love she longed for and experienced herself as part of everything.

When I did a similar practice today after my bath and after reading this I experienced the same flow of love, I understood that love is not something that I am ever totally separate from when I open my consciousness to both long for, immerse myself within it and receive it. I feel today the love in the sun, in the blustery wind, in the snore of Jasper and I felt in a conversation I had earlier with my cousin’s son after walking Jasper. I felt it as I shared some sadness with him and even as he tried to reach for solutions I could feel the love in knowing how unnecessary they were and yet how lovely it was to share.

It was then that I realised the only thing the really blocks me from love is my own blockage to the opening both to love and the longing for it as well as the receiving of it. I also realised that even when someone thwarts that longing I can still stay open and give love even to that! I sense too how that longing so often runs under my reaction patterns, but I also realised today that source of love is always freely available when I decide to open my being and tap into it.