I am about to pick my sister up and have to leave in half an hour but I am seeing I still blame myself for things that were not my fault and think maybe I could have caused things to play out differently. Maybe I am still very enmeshed in my family trauma at 57 years of age. That said how the hell does my inner critic think I could sort this thing out without things getting messy, troubled and downright confused at times? The sea God Neptune is on my mind at present thinking how the ocean can be whipped into frenzy by wind/thought and then things get unclear or we get lost in high choppy seas!!
I am still trying my best to give my sister a place of holding outside of the ‘medical model’. I rang a moment ago to say I will be there at 2 and she said she is ready now 1 pm. That said I got everything done today washing, cleaning, breakfast, lunch and a walk/play with Jasper, this would have been unthinkable just a few years ago when I would be totally immobilised with trauma symptoms sometimes till 3 pm.
I know my sister doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’ she isn’t totally broken though at times I fear she must feel that way, I think its confusion and torment and thoughts that we think that keep us trapped and self blame that may not be real that we never voice but never the less continues to demonise us, at least until we get awareness of the different ‘voices’ or complexes driving us. I think a part of us always remains whole and aware as the Buddhists say this deeper witness or knowing self gets obscured or over run and we do get tied up in ‘knots’ at times. I am trying my best to loosen my ‘knots’ lately, noticing the affect of my thoughts and doing breathing practice to self soothe and calm.
I know how essential movement is and good food at the right time and lots of fresh air and sunlight. I don’t think emotions are all chemical but there is a chemical component and if you study the affect of both empathy and criticism on stress hormones and happy hormones such as cortisol and oxytocin then there is evidence that kindness and compassion help us. Also the attitude we take to things does matter and does influence our emotional and mental health.
I like to think its an act of kindness getting my sister out of that hospital for at least an afternoon into some fresh air and sunlight. I know I am the one who best knows some of her history. So I can be a witness for her. She is my sister and I love her so I will keep trying knowing all the love I give I give to myself and that I am not to blame for where she is or anything that went down in my family. That said showing up authentically is a brave act and does make a difference.
After posting this I just read a chapter on guilt and blame and grief in a book I am reading and came across this affirmation.
My life is the only one I am responsible for.
My life is a gift
I free myself from the burden of guilt and judgement.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
It’s tough. As you get older you assume it will get easier. If only. Every decision seems to have so many potential outcomes and issues – all add stress and anxiety.
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That is so so true. When younger we just do things without thinking but over time we learn the hard way things have unpredictable outcomes. .it does make it more stressful.
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The quote “My life is the only one I’m responsible for” seems to me too simplistic to be true in all situations — for example, someone who is responsible for a helpless person (such as a baby or an elderly parent who can no longer live alone). But it’s still a good quote otherwise.
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Yes I thought the ecact same thing after I posted that. For example I have a dog and in many ways I am responsible for his heathe re food walking etc. Maybe they mean outside those kind of dependencies? Thanks so much for your comment.
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