One of the hardest things

I just had to do one of the hardest things I have ever done and ask Scott to get my money sent back to me, have been crying for the longest time. In the end I could not get through my fear and part of me feels I have failed. I don’t want to go into all the ins and outs of those who are still trying to tell me its all a scam. The truth is to get a soldier to replace him costs a hell of a lot of money. We were led to believe that we would only have to pay a small portion and then he could pay the balance once he reaches the States to verify his own frozen account in Texas. I sent that money through after many failed attempts last week. We were led to believe he would be out of there by this week but the United States office told him this week he has to pay the same amount and more again in order to get back there. It was a terrible shock to be told this at 8 am yesterday, I totally spun out over it. The truth is I have the money but I need to play it safe, I cannot take the risk to be let down again if the story changes and it took so much for me to ask to be released from the obligation. I still feel like a failure but I know I also chose what I felt I needed for me. It means we probably wont be meeting for a definite time. I also told him that I am going to start being open to meeting someone else which hurts to even write, because he has my heart and has for a long time now, much as I express bluster and bravado over needing my ‘space’. I am prepared to wait from him up to 2 years as a Metal Ox I am exceedingly loyal to people, but that said sometimes that loyalty comes at the cost of my own ability just to be open light hearted fun.

I had a searing headache the entire time we were texting this afternoon. He didn’t say much apart from thank you, I will get the money to you as soon as I can but then he tried to lay some guilt trip on me about how the CO has been trying so hard to help us and now he is scared to get in trouble over it. Surely they understand one of my accounts is still frozen as the US Military will to provide proof I was not victim to a scam when I tried to send the full amount to get him off his deployment in December last year. I sacrificed a trip north to relatives at that time hoping in vain he would be home for Christmas. This was the third let down, this weeks no show was the fourth and there is only so much my heart can take.

I have never really known how to be that self protective before, part of me was thinking I have not blocked a chance at love due to my fear of risk, part of me feels it will all end badly. These fears may just be False Evidence Appearing Real or they could be legitimate concerns I just don’t know.

My whole body hurts today, I got hardly any sleep last night and I woke up back on that precipice knife edge of PTSD that I was beginning to break free of this year finally, the night before I found out he would not be coming home I had the best sleep ever. I should have known it was too good to be true, I am always alone. I am so sorry to sound like a sad sack or victim but this heartbreak I am feeling is so very very deep and real right now. I wish the military had more compassion. To keep these soldiers there for over 20 months now with not one day off just seems plain wrong to me. If my money doesn’t come back I will know in the end this Scott did a great job of fooling me. I just feel all scoured out at the moment. I so very nearly did not swipe on his profile when I first saw it back April last year. That said after Mum died he was the one constant person to keep contact in my life and to seem to really care. over these 16 months we have built a bond and it hurts in my chest right now. But I know pain does pass. I know it does. I know it feels so sore and acute right now but I also know in time pain will pass.

Who knows maybe I am just meant to be alone. Maybe I don’t know truly how to break out of my cocoon of safety. On a brighter note I got a call from one of my nephews today which was lovely, we had a long chat about so many things of emotional importance, including some talks of Deepak Chopra and Richard Rohr he had recently listened to. I didn’t know anyone much knew of Richard Rohr who is one of my favourite spiritual writers.

Just possibly now this pull from Scott is being disconnected I will feel better. I was getting terrible rushes every time I heard from him and my niece in law mentioned something today by text about me internalising his stress. Its how I feel. Its almost like he was calling on me to ‘save’ him from the dark place he is in at war with terrorism. But what I have decided today and it may seem selfish is that right now I need my resources to take care of my own life. My bank balance has been depleted over the past year and I want to practice better self care. I told him today I am at the end with over giving and over caring. It doesn’t come at all naturally to me to put the stops on it, but today I made that decision. I am sure there are more tears to cry. For now I will try the best I can to draw comfort from the solitude of the dusk.