I have been veering between some very powerful states of mind today. I suffered yet another disappointment as my intuition was always warning me I would. I get a bit pissed off with myself at times for not trusting it more, I often sense what is going to happen on television drama just before it does and lately I have been seeing how my dreamer wild emotional self often has hopes that are not grounded in reality. Just in wishful thinking. I cried a lot today thinking I was finally going to be meeting Scott and finding that yet again there is another hoop to jump through and I am just not prepared to do it. I have given and given to this relationship and at this point I am doubting its even real. A year ago I was in a very financially secure place (not that that is the be all and end all of things) but now I will be okay to survive if I don’t take any more risks and I need to play it safe.
The different states of mind also have to do with how lonely I can feel. At times I just long for close friends who live near by, I long for a community of a kind or friends to call. I know its up to me to reach out too at times, on days like today I would not because I feel I have made such a mess of things by trusting again and I feel a little ashamed to be honest that I fell for it hook line and sinker. I then fall to crying with all the times love broke apart or broke me but I also know that I have the power to survive all of this and see it through. I hoped I had found someone to share my life and believed all of his promises which I now sense were just pie in the sky. Its okay I will survive it, I am just sad and disappointed today. I keep reminding my self that I will be okay, this is about the third time I thought he was coming and I had a sense in a part of me it was too good to be true. Maybe I am just meant to be alone for now.
Maybe I should keep all of this close to my chest and not share it on my blog, but I do externalise my inner thought processes here. Just possibly I am going through all of this right now to learn important lessons and as an adult I need to take them on the chin. I just applied to volunteer at the Canberra Writer’s Festival in a month or so and I will continue to try to reach out so that I see others and connect and get involved while balancing that with quiet time. Just possibly the idea of meeting someone to live happily with was just an illusion or a wishful dream. I won’t be down on myself for having it. I wont lie and say my heart is feeling okay, my breast are aching and I feel all scoured out and sore inside my chest right now and have had two of the most horrendous panic attacks today. That said I will just take it on board. I cannot change what I am powerless over. I opened my heart to trust and got let down again. That’s the truth. I pray for the strength to get over it in time. But I also know there is a limit to the amount of heartbreak I can stand. I will keep trying to reach for the positive.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
No doubt you’ve heard this before, but I believe it’s so true that it bears repeating: a person has to feel emotionally strong and secure in their own skin (self-worth), or risk being too vulnerable to being manipulated and/or taken advantage of by those who are more ‘in it’ for themselves than for ‘us.’ I say “TOO vulnerable,” because being vulnerable UP TO A POINT is essential to being open to relationships.
I don’t mean to sound like a mental health professional because I’m not, but I am a long-lived traveler through life for whom it took many years to gain the maturity to presume I know something of what it’s all about. In any case, we’re all different, so although one size may not fit all, I offer my ‘wisdom’ for what it’s worth.
Take care.
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I appreciate you sharing your thoughts thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment. ❤
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I’m sorry to hear this Deborah. You already know my opinion on Scott, so I won’t repeat it. But what I do want to say is that you need to take care of yourself first. Your financial future is much more important than the need to not be alone. If this thing is indeed real, I feel you’ve done more than enough, and now it’s up to him. Remember I once told you that I was duped into something like this when I was in my 20’s? The same thing of promises to meet, but then every time something prevented that from happening. It lasted 4 years because of that holding on, getting excited because it finally seemed to be happening, only to constantly end up being disappointed. The day I found out it had all been a lie, I was very surprised when I actually felt relief more than any other emotion. All that pain and heartache was over. I could rest, away from the constant fight. Of course, the grief and shock and other accompanying emotions also came shortly thereafter, and it took me more than 2 years to deal with this. Till today I still see how it affects me in an unconscious way. I’m telling you this just to drive my point home that no one is worth losing your confidence, peace, well-being and financial future over. I’ve been meaning to open a retirement annuity but can’t afford even the cheapest one, and I know how important it is. So I’m terrified that I’ll live a long time with no money. And I don’t want you to have to deal with this on any level. I’ve learned that if someone really loves us and wants to be with us, they won’t put all this pressure and responsibility on us and will make a plan. You need to come first. Much love to you my friend. ❤
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Hes not actually putting pressure on me right now Rayne but I understand his desperation to get out and have a happier life. When they signed up they thought it was only going to be 9 months and they are on contract. Its like when you asked for my help was I to just stand by and do nothing? I know you are trying to protect me and I do appreciate it. xoxo
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That sounds illegal, that they’re keeping them there beyond the 9 months. But then again I don’t know the law regarding military work. I wasn’t saying he’s pressuring you now, I mean the previous times when you said that you felt pressurized by him. So I mean in general. Xx
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Yes i understand. I really aporeciate your love and support. He waa putting mw under some oressure before.
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