Coming from a state of lack : some reflections.

It to me is a sad condition of our society that we are often focused to look at what we lack or the ways we supposedly fall short of an externally defined ideal instead of celebrating and embracing the truth and reality of our authentic selves. I noticed a while ago after I got home from therapy that I started tidying my place up and the critic was on my case as I stopped and did some breathing and inner centring at that moment I noticed that one of the most powerful illusive ‘thought forms’ of my life was operating : that I need to be tidy, sorted and ‘perfectly’ organised to be loved! Wow the realisation was so powerful that I started crying and this is coming on the back of a morning in therapy where I explored some central unconscious beliefs that I carry. One: that I am damaged goods due to my past and no one could ever love me. Two : that I have to work very very hard to win love. Three : that I am lacking and will always fall short in some deep fundamental way.

I think thsre erroneous beliefs can drive so many of us if we get externally focused or if we have been subject to much that is unloving treatment from others. If we had parents who were constantly trying to change or perfect us (because maybe they felt less than themselves) then this is how we start to treat ourselves and even others. We don’t cut others slack and can become critical of them too.

In a book I read on attachment types a while back the authors made the point that a lot of emotional avoidants created intimacy blockages with partners by concentrating on what the authors called ‘the worm inside the apple’, that is they look for a fatal flaw or reason why the person is not good enough. I know my last partner used to do this to me all the time. This is not to say that we overlook people who are abusive or make ourselves cop that abuse. This would not be loving either them or us for it would not come from a truly loving stance but it would involve knowing they were damaged in the capacity to be intimate and loving due to their own wounds.

Deflection of shame can often happen through blame and perfectionism, apparently its a key force that operates inside those with toxic rather than positive narcissism. Shame is a difficult feeling to feel and until we can feel it and know the roots of where it comes from we cannot really heal from the damage we get subjected to internally by the inner critic. That is why in therapy today it was kind of liberating to be able to vocalise with Katina some of what this shaming awful voices were saying to me. While I was repeating them to Kat my body felt all sore but then I heard this inner voice say “the more you can witness and give voice to these thoughts the more they will dissolve” I then shared with Kat how I felt the inner toxic pain of criticism morphing or dissolving.

John Bradshaw many years ago began to explore the role shame and perfectionism played in the lives of addicts and those of us from dysfunctional homes, many of religious addiction. You know the kind of thing, the belief that we are born in sin and need to be redeemed somehow, not the realisation of how our natural goodness and power gets crippled or hijacked by things we are told or taught as we grow. It makes me wonder how different the world would be if instead of educators or parents trying to change us and show us all the ways we fall short of certain accepted parameters they focused instead of acknowledging our innate goodness and gifts even if they differ from the norm. Would there be as much bullying in the world? Would we be so materialistic as a culture? Would we be so out of tune with nature and our inner nature?

Today I am beginning a practice of stopping my self criticism and I am going to try to turn outer criticism around, I will still keep my eyes open for dysfunction but this new orientation will give me far more compassion for why it exists in the first place. I am working in my own life to stop blocking the flow of love that wants to move forward because sometimes I feel it all banked up and pooled deep within. I had the realisation a few days ago that all that I give is given to myself, really. And this doesn’t mean I over give and never allow myself to rest. There will indeed be times to become still and replenish the flow of life and love from deep within, it just means that I do my best to keep opening my heart and breathing while recognising when the inner critic or saboteur/killer energy tries to block me off and get me to hold or freeze my ‘breath”, chi, or prana stopping the flow of life that wants to live and move through me.