Too much in my head : too much in the past? More daily reflections

It was very painful to explore some past dynamics earlier and go back to that time when my family could only tell me to get myself to the Doctor rather than offer empathy, soothing, understanding and support instead of cold detachment. I think I learned early on to be defended too, like them and to show anger if I was hurt instead of sorrow at the pain. However the truth is that sometimes maybe anger becomes sorrow and sorrow anger and maybe its like the ying yang symbol with each having a little of the other inside it and being tinged too with deeper feelings of frustration, overwhelm and powerlessness at times.

(Earlier as I was writing this) I hadn’t got out to walk yet and its 2pm because of more money wrangles with Scott. Luckily everything seems to be working out now with things. but I am still feeling a bit put upon but the truth is either I paint myself as a victim and keep helping when I don’t want to, or I decide I genuinely want to help and stop bitching about it.

My inner critic also told me that rather wallow around in the past exploring it all maybe I would have been better just to get out in the fresh air and forget all about it. I jut wonder if we ever really do though or whether that is something we tell ourselves when we wish we could just be free of past pain. Is it that the majority of the time we can be present until triggers come and thin the veils between conscious and unconscious and then we just get flooded. Maybe this is what it means to live with a leaky boundary on the borderline always of conscious and unconscious, just as Carl Jung did.

I possibly will always carry some deep soul wound and scars over lack of empathy through my life and as an empath I probably cannot expect a lot of people to try to show as much understanding as I try to at times, that said if I get too self involved I may lose sight of how it is for other people and with the problem of self absorption in my family I suffer from a constant fear of my own self absorption and struggle to find when it is healthy or unhealthy. I am always questioning and analysing and as people in the fellowship often say that can lead to a condition of ‘analysis paralysis’ where I am running it all through filters.

At times I just want to blow it all of and forget the hell about it and get out side of my head which is full of past things that block me in the present and into life.

Anyway I will try and make the afternoon as pleasurable as I can. I am feeling quite tired right now with all the internal processing that has gone on inside of me since 4 am this morning. But I did get myself out with Jasper into the sunshine by the lake we went for a walk and threw the ball around and then a magpie came and sat on a stump near to us and preened itself and sang the most beautiful song. At times it looked me straight in the eye as I issued my greeting to it, thinking that often shamans believed that spirits of loved ones visit us in the body of birds. I had been hearing messages of love from my dead sister Judith this afternoon anyway and crying a little. I had an urge to call a very good friend of hers this afternoon as he knows a lot of my family history. I often feel this pull of the past laying its claims on me and I wish for the freedom to live in the present.

Jasper and I then went to Manuka and had a coffee in the afternoon sun at the milk bar my Mum used to go to on afternoons as a little girl she was all alone to get sweets. I had so many memories of her rise up as we walked past places with experiences of times we shared. Past the homewares shop where she bought me a beautiful woven scarf that I still have to this day, past Belluci’s restaurant with its open glass windows the look out onto the Catholic Cathedral where my parents were married and where the funerals of both my father and mother were held. I burst into tears when I got home. I cleaned out the car and soon I will make dinner for Jasper and I, I made it through the past Mercury retrograde and today Mars in smack bang on my Leo North Node in the first house. Last night my girlfriend who is only a month younger than me was telling me how she has been working hard at the University where she works as a speech writer for the Vice Chancellor to get action on climate change but the vested financial interests are preventing it. I was thinking of what I had read and been writing lately about the Lion’s gate and the heart of the Sun that needs to sound out its special note. We spoke of how we despair over the way Australia treats its refugee population too. I wound like to be able to turn all my past pain into a positive direction to help in some small way too. I have a desire to help soldiers suffering PTSD who are on long waiting lists to get help and often commit suicide out of desperation. I am not sure how to do it but when Scott finally gets free from deployment I will work towards that with him. It is looking likely that money has gone through we thought was blocked now that Mercury is stationing forward. Please say a pray for us. I would love to finally be meeting my soldier who I have been connecting with for well over a year now. I think we have some important work to do with healing, at least that is what I feel I my heart this afternoon after integrating the earlier pain that rose up for me this morning.