Feeling crabby? : daily reflections

I had a little smile to myself thinking about how the Sun and Venus and Mercury are all in the sign of the crab, Cancer right now and how crabby I have been feeling lately in conjunction with the turmoil of recent events. Mercury moving backwards affects our perceptions, attention span, thought processes, as well as interactions and attempts to get things done but it also puts the stops on some things which may tend to make us feel pretty annoyed or (if you are like me) like lashing out and blaming someone. That said if we are feeling angry or crabby there must be good reasons. The purpose of all of this may be that we begin to see things from a deeper perspective after the transit finally passes. (Mercury goes direct again on 31 July but will not be out of the cycle transit until a few weeks later by which stage it will be back in the sign of Leo.)

I for one am never totally at peace with my anger, I always wish there was a better way to express it or feel it so that it didn’t feel quite so distressing and bloody intense all of the time. And because I try to consider the other person’s perspective and feelings (often after the event) I can wind up feeling guilty for just having a very human or messy response to things. I then expect to be thrown out of people’s life after it because this used to happen when I was small. If I was angry it was not really allowed and so I had to try and stuff it somehow. I may have ended up as an alcoholic as I did not really know how to cope with my big feelings or the big feelings of those around me who were also skating on thin ice emotionally speaking. I have read that adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics create families in which anger is not safe to feel at all especially if one parent was acting out and the other was appeasing or being hurt by it.

I was angry again yesterday after finding out that the money I sent to Scott apparently got to the account but was not released, the bank could not shed any light on it, according to them it was sitting there and the person could access it but they said they could not. I ended up turning on Scott again out of frustration and accused him of scamming or lying. So you can imaging I was pretty sheepish late last night before falling off to sleep when he sent an email from the bank confirming everything and saying how much it distressed him that I still didn’t trust him.

All the hot air went out of my balloon really rapidly after that and I just found myself laughing at how the universe works and its interesting as today there was a programme on conspiracy theories and how people don’t like to think that things in the Universe can just happen simply and randomly, some people make up big complicated reasons why things happen and usually its the authorities that are at fault, which goes to show that some conspiracy theorists may have had problems with parents or authority. That said not every one is very honest in authority and sometimes complex shenanigans go on behind the scenes, but this whole thing with the bank and funds being there but not being released and the way I have reacted has got me questioning every thing.

I was also noticing how much my head gets split off from my heart at times. I finally heard back from my nephew last night and I cried pretty much through the entire call. Its the first phone call I have had from anyone in weeks and it was so nice to talk to him as we are both on the same wavelength and he knows all about the difficulties my sister is going through so I could cry about that and share with him. I told him how disconnected I feel here in Canberra from emotionally available people and what source of support my blog is. We also talked about the entrenched Australian attitude to certain deeper issues which we find quite adolescent at times. A programme aired on television here on Thursday night about controversial aboriginal football player Adam Goodes who was called an ape by a 13 year old girl at an AFL match many years ago and then came out to be a vocal voice about the degree of racism that still exists in many sectors here. Certain idiot journalists tried to take him down, and he began to be booed pretty much at every match for the next 3 years to the point he was forced to resign. In the midst of this he launched the Recognise campaign to help bring attention to the suffering and needs of aboriginal people in this country and I took a quick look at his birthchart on Friday and it was so amazing to see the tie ups between his chart and the chart of Australian federation. I was then reading in Tian Dayton’s book about how the soul is deeply political. Adam Goodes was vilified by some sectors for being angry about the unfair treatment of his people and for doing tribal war dances on the field in an attempt to express some of that anger which was not only personal but deeply collective too. Interesting that this programme aired on the back of the Full Moon which highlighted the strong Capricorn influences in both charts. Saturn rules barriers and defences, and Capricorn also has to do with authenticity that may make us unpopular in some sectors.

Anyway anyone who has been bullied in their life will resonate with the anger and pain Goodes tried to express. He started a call to action that was not full of hatred, however, he spoke of how that 13 year old girl was not to blame but that her voice was just vocalising rigid, ignorant, entrenched points of view which fail to see the inherent beauty and value of our indigenous people. He protested and I am sure this film airing the other night will make a lot of things clearer, especially the way he was unfairly attacked in the aftermath of all the drama.

For myself I am feeling a little less crabby today. Scott and I managed to have a laugh about the bank fiasco last night but I didn’t end up getting to sleep until about 1.30 am. I am still annoyed that I have coped so much heat for trying to help someone, but I am now in no further doubts that he is genuine. I am going to go after the bank when he finally gets back here because they have caused us both so much stress in blocking the funds that I initially tried to send back in December. Part of one of my accounts is still denied access to me and I am going to call the banking ombudsman about that on Monday, I am being penalised because I tried to help someone in a society riddled with fear, and scamming. I understand why certain protective measures exist in the banking world but I am just angry that very few people actually believe that my gut instinct to trust someone good, kind and deeply genuine has been trashed or disbelieved. That said I know the world is deeply random, flawed and imperfect so crabby as I am I am still going to try hard to find a way to smile about it today. All I can say is that the journey we have both under gone since April last year to find a way to finally be together is going to make a hell of an interesting movie or story one day.