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I need to breathe

Here you are again

Making your demands for rescue

Can I make it any clearer

This is not my burden

I know you are in deep despair

And right now you see me

As your salvation

But this just makes me want to dig my oxen hooves

In even deeper and harder

To the solid ground

I have had to work so hard to build

These past years

Deep inside myself

I would rather now

Take my comfort from the wind

And from the sun

Finding in these

The healing gift

And liberating freedom of nature

And don’t get me wrong

I do still believe in love

But this love that you offer me

Binds me

And does not set me free

And I find the only place that I can now breathe

In on an open cliff top

With a view extending out across the sea

In deeply connected place

Where none can lay any more

These humans claims of relief

Upon me

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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14 thoughts on “I need to breathe”

      1. My mother parentified me from as early as I can remember. I remember comforting her and dealing with home life and her emotional well-being as young as 4 years old. I imagine I was responsible for her mental health from the minute she became pregnant. When I was a teenager I was her main confident. She told me everything and placed a huge emotional burden on my shoulders as well as telling me secrets I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone else. I didn’t even know boundaries was a thing… I wish I had known and had some power at all and could have told her to stop leaning on me.

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      4. She never really loved me. What she calls love is not love. It is whatever purpose I can have in her life. When I am no longer useful to her, the love stops. She never emotionally supported me. She smothered me in the sense that she never gave me freedom and she betrayed my trust and didn’t give me any privacy. And I had to carry her feelings. I think I carried her feelings all my life. I’m picking through it all and trying to find myself in the process now. Your poem resonated with me deeply.

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      5. Yes I sensed you had to carry her feelings. My Mum could not feel her feelings so I had to. I had my privacy violated too. It really hurts and it makes it hard to trust others later in life doesn’t it?

        Thanks so much for sharing with me. I very much value our connection and exchanges.
        Big hugs, Lucy
        Deborah

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      6. I value our connection and exchanges too. Thank you. Yeah it’s very hard to trust others… almost impossible in similar attachment dynamics like with my therapist. I said to her in my last session that emotional connection with her feels abusive and that triggers dissociation. It’s very slow baby steps. Agonisingly slow!

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