Today in therapy I was thinking about the dichotomy of the good and bad child that especially narcissistic parents can set up in their kids. In the family systems therapy approach explored by John Bradshaw he explains how often the good or hero role will fall to the oldest child and the so called ‘bad’/ misbehaving or scapegoat child role may fall to the second child, the third child role he believes is filled by ‘the lost child’ and the fourth by the clown or mascot. Of course such roles are not always so clearly allocated but it seems to be true that different aspects of the parents psyche my be expressed or splintered in their kids and some children will be heroed while other may be exiled or shame dumped or end up as the so called ‘identified’ patient. I was also thinking about this in terms of how well parents allowed their children assertive/aggressive drives, showing a capacity to allow and contain these so to help their children separate psychologically and express the fullness of their life spirit/energy in this world.
In her book on The Scapegoat Complex analyst Sylvia Bretton Perrera makes the point that the scapegoat identified person or child is not allowed to be themselves or is shamed for acts or assertion or aggression, they may be made to feel bad or given messages it is not okay to disagree or fight or resist parental control Of course the child has to learn also to adapt their drives and impulses so as not to suffer from sociopathic tendencies but ideally the issue of frustrating the child or containing them needs to be done in a sensitive way.
This next paragraph may not be related but I just came across this information below on masochism and masochistic defences which talks about when a child comes to feel not a source of pleasure to the parent but rather a source of pain or ‘bad’ feelings. The child may internalise then a false self concept which limits them severely in later life and prevents them from expressing qualities the parents deemed to be ‘bad’ but were actually positive or adaptive for their development. I would be interested to read any reader perspectives on this if anyone feels inclined to share them in the comments section below.
Depression and moral masochism are inseparable, and originate in a particular climate of lived experience in which one or both parents suffer from a masochistic-depressive disposition. Developmentally, there has been a deficit in the child’s experience of shared pleasure, and of being a source of enjoyment to the parent. Instead, the child experiences himself or herself as a source of pain and feels responsible for the parent’s dysphoric, anhedonic state. This is not simply a fantasy construction of the child, as parental reproachfulness is characteristically encountered. The child makes reparative efforts, but they generally do not succeed. Central psychological capacities are compromised under these conditions, particularly a sense of personal efficacy and of natural entitlement. The evolution of initiative, autonomy, and individuation are also significantly affected. The aggression, both conscious and unconscious, which is generated by these early conditions creates intrapsychic conflict which further inhibits the development of these essential psychological functions. Some therapeutic recommendations are proposed based on these considerations.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8307700
I apologise for some of the very intellectual psychological jargon in this quote but perhaps you get the idea. Anhedonia means the parent cannot take true joy or pleasure in the entirety of a grounded fully embodied life in their child, an accompanying addiction to perfection means the child has to split off it’s totality, especially ‘messy’ or so called ‘chaotic’ emotions, there is no container for them, or help in recognising them, and this then leads to deep splits it the person along with feelings of guilt and shame for being fully alive.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
This brings up so many thoughts and emotions from me as a child and me also as a parent. Definitely worth analyzing. I instantly wanted to reach back to my kids and say, “I’m sorry if I was too much a perfectionist” but also reach back to me as a child and say, “… …” I went completely blank.
What were my options? Maybe I’d tell myself to write. A lot. And to hide it well.
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Have you ever come across Marion Woodman’s book Addiction to Perfection? That came to mind as I was editing this to post it a while ago. I think our parents had to hold it together in very tough times so there is a part of this that is collective too. I always felt I had to hide, I was always trying to find ways to cover over my mistakes. it really helped me to find this article.
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No I’ll look for it. Txx for the tip 👍 I understand hiding. My way of hiding was I became selectively mute. I didn’t speak much until I was in my 20s. I still meet people today that say to me very shocked, “OMG I didn’t know you could speak!” 🤣 🤷♀️ It’s all good. It just gives me things to analyze. Now I write!
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Wow that wound must have been so deep. That book is very analytical and its ages since I read it but it gives insight into how parents may murder or kill off parts of a child (and the education system can do this too). Have you ever written something about this?
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I write about it in round about ways. Like tonight’s post on patterns of lineage. But nothing specifically. I have been told that I need to write my story. So little by little, I think I will 😊
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It takes time though, doesn’t it? To find both the means to write it and the courage. When the time is right you will.. 🙂
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I always think, “where would I even begin?”
I was talking to my son the other day about just being able to cut loose and really write about anything. My blog is for my degree so I try to keep it on point. It does take time and courage to begin. At the beginning. It may be easier in pieces as I write about the therapies that have helped me so much 😊
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Maybe just start with a very strong memory and see where it goes from there. I have been trying to write my story for about 20 years. I have given up now and just write my blog. and its a kind of therapy as I often read it in sessions..
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I’m so glad it’s therapeutic for you. it sure is for me as well. I covertly write about my stuff. I loved getting into memory observation. I got my degree five years ago, but I just started writing for it this year. Now I’m glad Alternative Health covers so much. I can write about pretty much anything I can point towards health somehow. 😀
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That’s a good idea. Maybe I can take the memory observation post into an actual memory … 👍
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Maybe when your degree is done you may feel freer.
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And thank you for your post 😊
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I’m glad I posted it. I had it in drafts for a while. Thanks so much for the feedback.
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I can’t really remember occasions when I felt like either of my parents expressed joy at being with me, and I wonder sometimes if that is connected to my own difficulty finding happiness with just being myself. But then I think, maybe I am over-remembering the difficult parts and using them as an excuse for my own difficulties with depression. It’s so hard to know–so many things have gone into shaping the person I am now.
Anyway, thanks for the interesting post.
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I think it does affect us and we always feel like its our fault… that’s just the child’s default setting. That said our parents didn’t know any better. So its a tough one. Glad if that spoke to you, it helped me figure out a lot of what happened to my and my two sisters. Sending you love ❤
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Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
This is an old post I’d forgotten about but it makes some interesting points about parents who squash the expression of joy assertion and jnbridked life energy in their young children or shame them for emotional expression.
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