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An awful day

I am having one of the physically and emotionally most painful days today. I have not felt this bad in such a long time and I went for a body work treatment yesterday and she prescribed me tissue salts and I have had the worst reaction, I also had surges of murderous rage while speaking to a neighbour earlier on, I felt a bit captured but I was also quite terrified of the way I was feeling as well as the angry thoughts going through my head. I got away as fast as I could and went to make lunch then had a terrible panic attack, one of the worst I’ve had in ages.

I also find going the to nursery and doing work in the garden really triggers all this deep loneliness for me as well, I feel angry about what was going down with my sister at the stage, they had tricked her to put her into the psyche ward down in Melbourne and I was living with my Mum so I was desperate to get away, it was then we went to the auction for this house and the auctioneer and my Mum forced my hand on the sale. As soon as we signed the contract I felt sick and just burst into tears. I am not sure if I am projecting all of this onto the house and am just taking myself out of the present moment into a past thing that cannot be changed anyway I just burst into tears a while ago and had a good talk to myself about how powerless I am over the past, its just my body is so so sore today, it really is hurting and the cancer returning is an ongoing fear. I am hoping if I start to write it will help me somehow. the feelings felt almost too much for me to contain before, I felt like I was having a total meltdown.

I have been having the feeling lately that it healthier for me to stay as self contained as I can at present. Getting out of the house I ran into some form of control or madness out there somewhere at some time, but its a catch 22 situation, some times too much time alone takes me into a dark place. I find my neighbourhood so quiet too. Some people may appreciate the quiet but at the moment contrary to what I just wrote I wish I lived somewhere where there were people going by and I felt more a part of things. I actually looked at a place around the corner for rent which is lighter and a bit more modern and brighter for me, lately I have been feeling this darkness around the place when I come back. When I moved here I was in a very dark place but over the past year as I have felt lighter and brighter I have wished for that to be more reflected in my living space. Today I just felt that terrible feeling of suffocation and confinement. I spent over an hour on the massage table yesterday afternoon having my body held in different places and energy transferred from my therapists hands to my body, something must have shifted as she did a lot of work around my heart and my left hip. When she worked around my heart I felt so many feelings towards my parents now gone, there was so much love and longing there and today I realised I am an orphan now, Mum and Dad are both gone and I have a sister and brother who don’t seem to want much contact with me at all. I don’t seem to hear much from anyone at all. Yet this is the reality of life, things pass, everything changes, we cannot really hold onto anyone. Am I fighting reality today?

I must apologise if this seems like a whinging post. I am sure there is light somewhere in all of this. I just cannot see to find any light at all today, everything seems dark and in many ways I just wish I never went for the body work session yesterday. I seem to be feeling worse after it than better and I wish I had just stayed self contained yesterday, despite the fact I had that clash with dog police I regained my equilibrium after writing about it, something shifted with the session yesterday and I know the shift doesn’t feel good, it seems to have really set me back today.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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24 thoughts on “An awful day”

  1. Oh Deborah, I felt for you in every word of this. I can relate to the feelings you describe. I don’t get anger, but I do get all the rest. And panic attacks are terrible. I have those constantly. I too am abandoned by my family. It panics me to be so alone, plus blind and wheelchair bound and sick. Yes, I have my husband, but he is going odd in a way that he may be beginning with dementia or something. My mother cut me out of the family yesterday, saying she is leaving everything to my sister when she dies. My brother says I am not his sister. It’s just horrific what family can do to you. My panic attacks are frequent and terrible. And I SO understand about thenplace where you live, and wanting to be where there are people passing. I am the same where I live, and have said the exact same thing. Also, that dark feeling about your house. I understand that too.

    I don’t go for massages so can’t relate to that one, but when your whole body is so sore it’s awful.

    I am so sorry you are feeling like this Deborah. I just oray for these awful feelings to pass for you. You are not whingeing at all. You had to express them somewhere. Are you able to see your therapist sooner than usual? Just wondering.

    I wish you could feel better. I want to say so much, but will stop there. Gentle hugs to you Deborah. Much much love to you xoxoxo

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    1. Just that you reached out to me meant the world to me Lorraine it truly does. That is so so hard what your mother has done to you. That hurts MY heart to hear it. We cannot take away each other’s pain but we can at least acknowledge the bredth and depth of that. I was thinking of emailing you but I was so stressed I had to go out for an hour just to get a break from my feelings. Sending you much love and a very big hug…Thanks so much for reaching out to me. xoxox ❤ ❤

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      1. It’s ok Deborah. I didn’t want you to be alone with this. I know how that feels. I really do. I guess the best is that we know these feelings pass, and we just have to try to ride them out until they do. But this aloneness is sobterrible. Hang in there Deborah. Breach out to me if you need to. I usually have my mobile on me with internet on, if we do go out. I am usually reachable. Breathe deep Deborah, though I know that doesn’t always help. I truly know this feeling of abandonment and how scary it is, and it stays with us always lurking there in the shadows. I am fine thanks Deborah. I knew this was coming, but a bit of a shock when it finally did. At least we can talk to each other though Deborah. Iwish we were closer geographically. I also know the feeling of wanting to isolate at the same time though. It’s a paradox isn’t it. Just know that I am here. Whatever you and I have gone through together I hope it is all gone now. I do care ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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      2. Well who knows I often long to move back to the UK to be honest and its funny you writing it does pass as I was making dinner and just thought of saying that back to you. These feelings come and go I know that, nothing truly last forever does it? ❤ ❤ ❤

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      3. It doesn’t but it kind of lurks doesn’t it. Always there underneath, waiting to break out. I don’t know if these types of wounds can ever heal. To be honest, I always wanted to cut off from my mum entirely, so that she could cause me no more pain. But then I felt guilty. I still walk that tightrope. But now it has gone so far it has virtually been decided for me. Did you get the thing that I got, which was, however terrible something was that affected me that they did to me, “Oh, Lorraine will understand.” Kind of called upon to be the adul while they were being children. Fighting children at that. Yes it passes but is always still there.

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      4. Yes I did Lorraine and sorry for the delay I was eating dinner and washing up I remember after a bad stoush with my sister and Mum where they both cut me off for days and days Mum called telling my sister had fallen. I was expected to step up which I always did.

        I truly don’t understand how a parent treats their own flesh and blood that way but maybe we just see too deeply or something. I have never figured it out….

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      1. It is Deborah. I try to make myself self sufficient but it is hard. Don’t worry I will cope somehow. It’s what we do isn’t it Ceborah. No one truly knows our struggles. It’s just how it is. Much much love to you Deborah xoxo

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      3. Hugs Deborah. It gets so exhausting though doesn’t it. I hope that you can have some sleep and at least rest your body. I hope also that these terrible feelings can pass sooner rather than later. I also hope that Kat can help you in some way tomorrow to find ways of getting through her absence. ❤️

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      4. That is so very very kind of you Lorraine. I feel a little better tonight. Just hearing from you helped and for some reason I find nights easier somehow. The world retreats for a while. I hope you manage some happiness today. I hope the sun is shining there for you today. xoox

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      1. Oh Deborah. That is so scary. I would feel exactly the same as you. Oh dear. Not a good time for you to be without her. Problem is that there is no one else who knows you as well as she does, whom you could talk to. So sorry Deborah.

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      2. Yes a therapist a long time ago said with my level of attachment wounds I needed a therapist available 24/7 but no one much seems to operate like that. I don’t think a lot of therapists really know how it is to be honest xoox

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      3. I understand what you are saying Deborah. I truly do. I too am needing someone to at least talk to about what is happening to me right now. But there is no one. It is really frightening. I don’t know what Australia is like, but here in England there is a cold callousness, but also and indifference. It’s every man for himself and “I’m alright Jack” attitude. Just cold indifference. A me me society. I just so wish that society had not evolved like this. The survival of the fittest. I don’t know if you agree with me or not, but that is how it seems to me.

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      4. I think there is a lot of truth to what you are saying, Lorraine. I think we have evolved to me mainly outwardly focused on so called ‘success’ whatever the hell that is supposed to be and when people struggle or fall by the wayside its seen as due to some ‘flaw’. There is kindness out there but its unfortunately more the exception than the rule.

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