Grief and the grieving process are physical as well as emotional : some reflections from Coping With Grief

It is actually necessary and more than healthy to cry when we have endured death or significant trauma or loss. Its always sad to me when I hear someone apologising for crying and giving vent to real feelings of sadness or grief and even worse when people apologise for prompting or triggering your own grief in some way. To me that always has seemed like a missed opportunity for healing and recognition to happen.

I was just reading in my book on coping with grief that to share memories and prompt tears is actually healing allowing a form of emotional release that is helpful but some of us resist this. When we cry in grief we actually rid the body of certain toxins or build up of neuro or biochemicals secreted in reaction to grief and this assists the flow of healing and integrating loss. But so often this experience is blocked in my experience due to resistance, ignorance or fear.

The first phase of a grief process involves shock or numbing or denial. This is the bodies natural response which serves a self protective function. I have never been able to consciously remember the shock of impact when my car crashed around that telegraph pole in 1979 nearly killing me though I know my body remembers it and it was retriggered after a body work session many years later by yet another accident the imprints of both still remain in my body many years later.

In time the numbing affect of grief, loss or trauma wears off and then the body tends to produce increased amounts of adrenaline in response to grief. According to the book I am reading the heart muscle itself physically reacts too to the breaking or tearing away of the attachment, and we all know the sleeplessness or sleep disruptions which follow the shock of grief and loss.

A healthier way of dealing with grief took place in olden days when the body remained in the home or open for viewing for some days. In this way the shock was able to be integrated by loved ones and things could be said, when my father died I never got to see the body and that complicated my grieving. It was only many years later when my god father died and his family were kind enough to arrange for me to see his body to say final goodbyes that I realised the body is just clothing for the spirit or life force/soul. I got to feel feelings when Uncle Piet died about my father’s loss I could not experience for years having been forced away a month following my Dad’s death in early January 1985 and at Uncle Piet’s funeral I was able to cry with the family and spend time with them as they grieved too, for the first time ever I was embrace in grief.

It seems sad to me that we do not understand how necessary it is to support others through a grief process, or maybe I am just projecting my own experience here. Higher levels of adrenaline following grief show that its healthy to have some light exercise, a walk with a loved one in a peaceful place maybe, or an offer of assistance with things that need doing around the home may be other ways we could support a loved one undergoing grief. The impulse may be either for the grieving person to shut down or for others to take over responsibilities for things, which is natural but sometimes movement will assist the flow of tears and feelings although there is no fixed trajectory in grief which just tries to work its way through the body over the following months or years.

Being left alone in grief or desiring to be is most certainly sometimes needed and since we react to grief in different ways according to our temperament and individual orientation what we need will vary which is why it is important that we ask the best way to be there for loved ones and those suffering from grief. Some of us may take ourselves off when really we could do with company, we may not know how to reach out it grief. Many of us will feel disoriented and overwhelmed by body symptoms when we are not always aware of the root cause which lays in natural bodily grief reactions (at least in my experience). This is where books like Coping With Grief come in very helpful as they explain clearly how central physical reactions are to grief and how best to work with them, rather than against them.

Some form of touch therapy may be very helpful when we are grieving too since at times it may be hard to articulate our feelings and touch will soothe us in the raw hurting spaces that grief can leave feeling hollowed out. Touch bypasses the need to talk about painful things and just allows the body to feel it and release it. Being comforted physically may be so soothing but it may be distressing for some grief sufferers too, so sensitivity and asking what is wanted is so important when dealing with grieving or traumatised persons. We should always do our best to be as respectful and loving as possible about another person’s grief process.