Accepting and finding healing through our brokenness

Maybe all of us on earth right now are just a little bit broken. So many of us who witnessed or sustained traumas and traumatic injuries to the sensitive true self learned to hide our shame and fear. We may have grown up in climates of terror or hostility or just hypervigilance. I was thinking about this after attending an Al Anon meeting today in which a reading was shared about the consequences of growing up in families of alcoholism or trauma. The reading spoke of the hiding and fear, the sense of shame and confusion as well as about the need of masking vulnerability when we grow up in a world where people can so often put on a front instead of show the truth of their real selves.

I watched a You Tube video last night about narcissism by Dr Les Carter and in it he spoke of how when dealing with a narcissist the best defence we actually have against their constant need to put us down or harp on our weaknesses is to own that we are very far from perfect and also a little bit broken. In the video he talks of all the ways those with narcissistic injury try to mask their own brokenness. They can be very critical of others, they may often project a lot of shame others, they may feel the need to be one up or hide their own weaknesses, fears or vulnerability. I remember something recovery writer John Bradshaw often speaks of, that those with addictions often feel themselves to be lower than worms or more magnificent than Superman what is missing is a healthy sense of humanity and grounding, a genuine sense of self love, self knowledge and self understanding and capacity to admit flaws and work on self improvement. And the secret shame which lies at the heart of this brokenness is what often drives such people to put on a false front and put down or discard others when they show any form of humanity or fail to live up to their rigid and unrealistic high standards.

The best thing I like about 12 step meetings is the sense of people willing to own up to their injuries or defects. They are willing to admit the unhealthy consequences of such traumas and they are willing to open their hearts and souls to others in humility and to God or a higher power asking for the strength or wisdom or knowledge or grace they missed out on to fill their beings and heart. They are also willing to embrace change and be real. These are not attributes that we so often seen in the culture at large where denial or defence can so often be the order of the day.

In the end it shows humility to own the truth of our brokenness and to understand as Les Carter points out that such an admission actually means we are open to the healing gifts of a traumatic past such as increased empathy, compassion, emotional insight, growth in wisdom and tolerance. Humility and vulnerability may seem like risks to us when there is something we are wishing to defend but the truth is that when we shine the light on our dark places and open up our festering secrets and wounds to the healing life of light an air we have already begun to embark upon the first stage of our healing. As Leonard Cohen wrote : there is a crack in everything, it is how the light gets in. And we also deserve to be loved for who we really are, for all of our wounds and scars in the end make up the unique person that we are.