Say nothing

Sometimes I think it may be better to be silent, to say nothing. Sometimes we just need to feel with the heart, something can often get lost as we struggle to translate feelings and experiences into words which may not always speak the truth from our heart. And if speaking and thoughts are closely aligned and it is true what Mr Dawkins writes in his book on Letting Go then feelings just need to be felt and we need to react spontaneously from that place but not always impulsively? Yes I ended that sentence with a question mark because yet again I am trying to define ‘truths’ I am not always entirely sure of. That we need to just let feeling do its thing, rising and falling without attaching too much well that is the practice I need to engage in right now after finally visiting my sister.

I thought I may be able not to cry being with her at the hospital and I managed for a while. I was able to cry silently while she watched me saying nothing. I made a bit of conversation but we sat in silence a lot of the time. The room was very very warm and I had been out in the brisk cold with Jasper only half an hour before wondering how long I could last another minute with the piercing cold. I remarked on how well my sister’s bed had been made, I silently admired the textures and pattern with was of two grey silver spirals on an indigo coverlet. I felt the room to be almost oceanic. Leaving is never easy as it never was easy leaving my other sister in her care home. As soon as I got outside the doors my whole body pretty much broke open. It was a gorgeous drive home though, there had been dramatic dark blue grey clouds looming on the horizon on the drive over there and at dusk the sky was lit up with beautiful shades of pink and apricot. It is the same drive I used to take after visiting Jude but my Mum was alive then. I felt very famished as I found it hard to eat today, I really struggled after stacking all of that wood delivered yesterday, today. So I took myself off to Manuka for a simply grilled burger and walked past the restaurant with open windows facing onto the Cathedral where may mother and father were married in 1941 and where Mum’s funeral was held a few years ago. This is the restaurant we would always go to with Mum after seeing a movie.

After my burger I thought of how being the youngest can suck in some ways, if you are in good health its likely you will survive most of your immediate birth family, especially if you are far younger. I remember being very moved by this when watching the final episodes of Six Feet Under in which the baby sister survives the entire family. As the youngest you carry the entire memory of the history but only from your particular perspective. And this is what struck me most visiting my sister today, I do not really know what goes on deep in the heart and soul of my sister. I try to ask things of her but she is very silent much of the time. I accept this now. Her silence means I feel more of what is not being said but am never entirely sure if it is only hers or mine.

Visiting her has taken me nearly 3 weeks. I am glad I did it today but God it is painful, so so painful. I could never express the true reality in a blog such as this. I don’t know why I need to write about it all as others process in different ways possibly. I write to bear some kind of witness or testament to things. I come home to a dog who doesn’t understand human language though I know he feels it too. So I tell it to the computer page and the WordPress community. I will be peaceful tonight though knowing I finally summoned the courage to go see my sister.