Heart break/ache

My heart just hurt so much right now and overflowed with tears, Scott and I are connecting less and less and I found out this week more money I sent has been blocked and not returned. I struggled so much with this knowledge this week and had to keep it private. I cant deal with the bank any more. I just started crying as he is so tired they get back from patrol in the early hours and then have to wake to go onto different things which I cannot mention, they get minimal rest and its unlikely we will be meeting now for months and months if ever.

I have come to love Scott and feel such a connection that right now I have a real pain in the right side of my head and my heart is so so sore. I was just writing a poem about my sister who died and was the one warm person in my family I felt I could connect to apart from her sons. I would love to call my brother but he isolates a lot like me. I haven’t visited my sister yet which is bloody poor form on my behalf. Its just I end up crying when ever I see or speak to her but is it that then I am running from all of these feelings just to protect my heart? And its not helping I actually end up feeling worse and like such a shit of a sister.

I just feel I have had to hold back my true longing for so long now. I see how resentment at times blocked me and kept me stuck. I had a powerful sense today after two days of being let off from walking Jasper that when I got him I moved more away from human involvement and connection apart from people at the park, that said I was working to become more conscious in an at times very emotionally shut down world. I also tried to call a good friend this week and she hasn’t bothered to return my call. It could be that she missed it but my mind makes up reasons, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me which is probably not true.

I was also triggered a lot this week after watching the Episode in This Is Us where Kevin goes into rehab and the entire family are invited to therapy. I never got that chance as when I got sober I did it all on my own (as usual) and when I got back to Oz in 2002 after those two years in therapy when a mass of unresolved and unfelt feelings broke through at 6 years sober I took myself away again when really it would have been better if I got into treatment even though I was not drinking I could have addressed the family disease another way instead of going just to Al Anon where I got shut down a lot being a dual member.

Anyway when I got Jasper it was my sister who helped me to pick him out and I remember how I struggled with his toilet training as I could not get up to him as much as he may have needed with my PTSD entrapment condition. My therapist tells me Jasper is a good dog and well loved and parented all the time, I take him to sessions with me some days but somedays I worry that I am giving him all he needs with his lively energy and its a mirror for how my Mum being an older Mum struggled with my lively energy as a child. (she was a 20s baby and I was born in 1962.)

I guess what is bursting out of me now is this pent up ocean of emotion and flow that multi-generational trauma healer Mark Wolynn says can get blocked. I see how much I isolated all alone after Jonathan left me and with Phil we had constant skirmishes because we both came from alcoholic backgrounds. Phil would not go to Al Anon or do therapy he said it was all my fault and I had to get better, that is the old pattern my family told me the same no matter how hard I fought to say the entire disease had affected everyone, Mum would only ever deny it and I was the worst in the world for ‘over reacting’ and not controlling my emotions more.

All I know right now is I cannot be with the man I have given my heart to. I begged my brother for help in February and he just ignored my emails, he shuts down as he always does. Its okay I don’t resent it at all now. I was very distressed and upset at the time but in the end I know its not his responsibility to help me and when could I ever really rely on family emotionally? It just hasn’t been possible. Maybe I have more healing to do before I can fully connect in a new relationship but as Bryan Adams sings on some level I do feel I’m Ready. This is the song I used to listen to over and over and over again when I was grieving the rejection by Phil in 2011.

I wish my sister was in a facility where the family are involved. We all suffer from the family disease and legacy of multigenerational addiction and emotional trauma/neglect. But they are treating my sister in isolation which is awful. I cant see her today as I have therapy and timing of her sessions means there are only hour windows in the day. I will connect with her over the next few days. I just cried and cried and cried and it was hard to digest lunch today. I am glad I have therapy soon. I could not survive on less than 2 sessions a week, and some weeks I just feel I need 3.