Just to talk to someone helped

I rang my sis a little while ago but the call ended up with me so emotionally overcome I began to realise I am absolutely no help at all to my sister. I then called an old family friend who knows all of her history with the guilt because today I am choosing to go have a happy time seeing a movie with a friend rather than sit around in helplessness with my sister. I know its a healthy choice and our friend helped me to see I am doing what is best for me, I can almost breathe a huge sigh of relief after this conversation. She had several children who suffer mental illness and she said her children both struggle when their sibling is not well because they feel a lot of fear which was interesting as I only realised just lately how much my sister’s depression scares me.

That is also the reason why I make the active choice to keep living. I pushed Jasper and I out into the 8 degree temperature today for a wild walk around the lake and to the Peace Park. He ran off on me merrily chasing birds and just when I thought he was lost magically appeared out of left field. I then took myself to the markets for a coffee and got some zuchinni balls and roasted veggies to add to a salad I made back at home.

Today will be a good day because I made the healthy choice to go against this need to be there for my sister and choose for my own life.. I was reading such a lovely portion of Marianne Williamson’s book that I want to share later. But I am off to see the movie Red Joan with a dear friend this afternoon and I am really looking forward to it.

It was probably a good thing to surrender to my tears and sense of powerlessness around my sister today. I know that she is shutting down right now and my friend seems to think if anything is to bring her back it will be the drugs that do it. I don’t take psychiatric meds so I don’t understand that but maybe it is right. This is my sister’s life not mine and neither way is right or wrong, just different approaches.

I understand these daily updates may get repetitive and boring to read but posting this stuff and recording my inner process outwardly seems to help me. I realise I am going over and over the same ground but changing this pattern and recognising the limits of my boundaries to help is necessary. And in the end I deserve my own life, I gave so much away to stay close to my older sister before she died, there is so much life and happiness I have not allowed myself to have that it makes me cry I don’t want to live as a powerless victim martyr in my life sacrificing to be there for others while putting all my needs to one side. If I don’t at least try to make the choice for happiness who else will do it?