Holes in my jumper

Why is it our favourite jumper that gets eaten? I got a gorgeous orangey apricot coloured woollen jumper last year and the moths set to it over the course of the summer I am sitting wearing it right now and It has about eight holes of varying sizes on the front side (not the back!!! funny thing that.)

Well I love my jumper so I think I am just going to wear it complete with holes regardless of the force within me that tells me that is just not permissible and I cant help thinking of the Leonard Cohen lyrics “there is a crack in everything, its the way the light gets in”. My thoughts can so often turn dark, full of fear, thoughts of doom focusing on how I can prevent it or protect myself, how people could react differently or take a different course and yet life goes along its merry way anyway regardless and luckily oblivious to my negative thought processes at times. I just found myself feeling like I was dissolving when I got into bed last night. It was the same this morning I was close to tears, there seem to be a lot of things I am powerless over right now but not everything. I can take action its just lately I am not always sure what the best actions to take are, and then I just hedge and make a lot of silly excuses for why I didn’t bite the bullet and do the said thing, that said there have been legitimate reasons for holding back lately, it really is a confusing time.

Never the less I press on with life, taking some time for meditation and to feel the beauty of the day while at times feeling a bit sick inside with all that is happening with my sister and Scott right now.

Sometimes in life I guess we just have to open up, we have to take risks to trust or take the action that we feel will bring us happiness, but we should always be prepared life may not turn out as we visualise it. Happiness may not come even though we think we are taking actions for happiness. I was thinking about the words from the AA Big Book a moment ago “we thought we could find an easier softer way but we could not” transposed on the aphorism or slogan “Easy Does It.” We can take a softer approach to things and then there are times to go hard or really make a vigorous concerted effort to achieve a desired goal, happiness or dream. The outcome is so often not in our hands and then sometimes it is.

Today I was thinking that maybe in my life if I had been able to be guided less by my emotions or fears or unhealed wounds how much brighter life might be now, but I also know there was a time I was powerless over the self limiting things inside me I did not yet know about or could not admit to myself. And my family history was so very very complex, that sometimes I just cry about it. Its just my sister and I alive here now, my brother is very distant and I know I cannot heal everything for my sister at all, I look back to things that happened that I may have had an influence in I am also aware of the times she was cut down, sometimes that knowledge hurts to carry. Luckily I can talk about it in therapy but sometimes I even rebel against therapy thinking going over things just keeps me stuck which I know it doesn’t, maybe its just the inner critic trying to destroy something that gives me peace a lot of the time but at times I get tired of therapy. That said there are good and bad sides to everything.

Anyway I am due to catch up with a friend shortly. I will wear my holey jumper, as a testament to the fact that life is always far from perfect, I love the colour orange in winter, it really lights up my day so a few holes shouldn’t really be enough to deter me.