Staying in the uncertain place : evening reflections

I was so so relieved to finally talk to my sister on the phone this evening. I still cried a lot as I felt the incredibly depressed and shaky ground she is standing on right now. I told her I was so sorry for not coming to visit but she told me really it was not necessary. I was able to be with her where she was and just listen as best I could. I felt all the past things between us just disappear as I felt that queer mix of love, longing and the sadnesses of losses we have both shared.

Depression steals your life energy, she has no appetite. I asked her if she was less lonely there but how could she not feel lonely where all they are doing is trying to find a way to play around with her biochemistry? And she confirmed it is still so very lonely at the hospital. We just agreed this is not a condition that is fixable at the moment. Anyway maybe medication will help in time. I know there are those that swear by medication and I have never taken that pathway so I don’t know it at all. I will stay silent on the matter for now for what works for me may not work for you and we all have our own pathways.

I cannot share this news with anyone as whole days go by without speaking much to anyone so that is why I felt the need just to commit it to my blog/journal. I cannot complain though as the gardener came today and a friend is in town for the next two months and we will see each other tomorrow so I am so grateful for those gifts.

I am trying to go as gently as I can on myself at the moment. I cannot always be the strong one. I told Scott much as I want to help him at times struggling with the family issues and trying to just take care of my own life is enough at the moment and I have felt my energy retreating. Maybe I am less in my head right now than I was before.

I know dark times of depression are often not at all controllable, they come as transformers of a kind into our lives, times of decay and uncertainty when roads forward disappear as mists come up and cover the self with fog or ongoing rain or an oceanic deluge or just feelings of numbness and lack of zest for life or loss, lack of meaning and confusion, a sense of neither being alive nor dead. I see them as transitions and Marianne Williamson makes the point in her book From Tears To Triumph that with the current collective climate to not feel sad or depressed or anxious about the state of the world would be to be numb in some way. That said I really feel there is so much light buried within the dark night of the soul. I cannot explain it in words but my lowest darkest times have been clearing times where so much was trying to break through. At times I struggled to move at all, these days I can and I am grateful for that. I feel a lot better having connected with my sister though. I am so so grateful she picked up the phone this afternoon.