The healing warmth and magic of sunlight

It was pure magic to witness fog and grey clouds burn away to a clear blue sunny afternoon. Three days of overcast weather had taken a bit of a toll, I do manage to find comfort in the dark but there is something about a dose of sunshine that injects my body, soul and psyche with healing energy. Jasper and I had a good walk to the oval and then ran around, I then sat in the sun and read some of my book.

Thoughts of my sister have been very constant. I feel a sadness that I have not managed to visit her in hospital, this is really going against an old pattern. I hope she does not take it as a sign of me not being there, I just feel the need to breathe in some happiness and have some distance from others at present. I also told Scott I wont be replying to texts for a while but then the part of me that longs to be connected kicks in and I start to feel a bit anxious. My therapist often says relationships are at times a confusing dance or conundrum for me. I was thinking today of the saying ‘out of sight out of mind’. My therapist often felt I fell out of my Mum’s mind. Sometimes as a youngster she just forgot to pick me up after school. I had walk the 5 kms to her shop one day. And I was a latch key child and I cried a bit about this last week after watching an ABC programme on a family who go back to live as they did in the 70s and in 1975 with the advent of women’s lib mothers often went out work and the woman on the programme was not happy about having to leave her two daughters alone.

Mum was basically working from the mid 1960s onwards. Anyway that is in the past but the effects linger on. I feel more comfortable being alone at times (or at least tell myself I do until I meet up with ‘good’ company and then I really enjoy that too.) I am conscious that I feel myself ‘pulling back’ at present. I feel a pain in my heart actually typing this. I know with Mars soon to go onto the North Node in Cancer the issues of emotional connections, mothering and nurturing will figure largely. My sister’s South Node is in Cancer which means she is working towards being more self sufficient and independent and that baby boomer generation (the 1954 – 55 portion) had parents who were often the children of war survivors, and the First World War caused major changes in family structures and many women went out to work during the war years during the Second World War. These generational imprints live on. I feel the softness in my sis that underlay her harder and more judgemental perfectionistic persona that was inherited from my Mum’s need to be seen to be keeping it all together at times while struggling with her own lack of nurturing. I have compassion and then I feel so mean for not going to visit my sister.

I know I will make the trek to the hospital at some stage, when it feels right. I may ask a friend to go with me. There are tears trying to break through the barricades of my heart as I write this post. I am glad for the warmth of sunshine as it mirrors to me the fact of something I read in a daily meditation reader many times that said the sun shines equally on everyone, coldness probably comes when the sun was not out for us emotionally speaking as youngsters. We suffer that coldness and lack of affection as a constant memory that is now most bodily felt. We long for the sunshine of warmth, openheartedness, acceptance and love only if we are brave enough to let go of our defences, protections and the things we can tell ourselves to survive in a situation where not a lot makes sense to us but is just felt. We may struggle to change the pattern while fearing the sadness that may arise with recognising it and letting the hurt in to cleanse us and wash our hurting soul clean while opening to embrace a sunnier, warmer reality more full of unconditional love and acceptance of life’s tangled, messy ways.