The things that trouble me that I wish I could say to you (but cannot)

The truth is that sometimes I stumble with my words. I feel anxious about the place you are in and I want to make it better while knowing I cannot, so sometimes I realise I talk to cover the anxiety and open space and feelings of my own sadness and helplessness. But there have been a lot of times lately too that we were just silent together and we let the empty space with no words rest so that feelings could rise up. Those have been the times when things felt most authentic at times, feelings could then rise up in the silence but I felt confused as to whose they were. I realise how different we both are. I am all air and you are watery with fire there that is banked up underneath without much of an outlet I feel all the time your Saturn on my Neptune.

Sometimes the truth is that I fear I will drown deep in your water world where no feelings can be articulated and there are so many times just looking at you and seeing how you were shut down made me ache and cry inside with pain. I remember the worst time was after the shock treatment when you were living with Mum you sat in your white nightee looking like a ghost, all the light had been stolen from you, I remember another time you came to be with me when things were hard and your tummy was all swollen up from the meds, I remember the fight I had then with you and Mum over the pain of that terrible time at the coast and how you told me it was my fault for flying off after that upset to go overseas and sustain a head injury. I also remember when you told me I was the cause of one of your worst breakdowns.

These are just some painful things I remember and I know they are all in the past. I want to let them go and in many ways I have but still I feel the need to get them out because at times when we are together they contribute to the anxious feelings which are mix of so many other complex emotions. One of the most painful things I remember is how much I cried when you married Terry in 1976 as the vows were being said. I was your bridesmaid and I remember how you looked at me like I was an embarrassment but you were leaving home and I would be alone with Mum and Dad. I never remember you hugging me and telling me you loved me and comforting me then. It hurt.

I want to let these things go because you are my sister and I longed for your love so much, but so often I felt disapproval.. You once said to me “you were always a selfish naughty little girl throwing tantrums!” Ouch. You once told some of the family behind my back when you were all out drinking how jealous I was of you and then you denied you said it and then said it should never have been repeated back. I cannot be there for you right now, I love you I really do but I want to be with people who I know love me. I tell you I love you all the time but you rarely say it back, maybe you do love me? I just don’t know. I just don’t know any more.

Maybe it is wrong to put all of this in a blog. Maybe I need to just hold it inside and share it in therapy, never the less these feelings are here. Despite this I cry at times with the love I have for you and the desire I have for you to be happy and free. I have to also respect you are where you need to be and you are undergoing your own process your way. I am sure there are things I may have misunderstood that upset you too. Never the less these are some of the things that are coming up tonight as I contemplate everything. I prayed a lot for you today and I sent you love from a distance, but for now, this is all I am truly capable of.