Gutted and winded

Don’t care what anyone thinks any more about how I am reaction wise because the sadness today and frustration has just been overwhelming. It finally seemed Scott and I would meet and today it looks like we wont. Its breaking my heart in two because this promise or hope of finally meeting has been going on for exactly a year now and I am so so gutted about it.

As much as I say I long to be free of this burden of helping him and as much as I push myself that little bit more to help only to blocked by more powerful forces the more deeply painful it gets. I know I would lie if I said I don’t feel I need him, I would love to have someone close to lean on right now.

I actually awoke today feeling quiet okay, I had the struggle with my body to get going that I usually do but I managed breakfast by 9.30 and Jasper and I were out walking by 10 to 11 and we enjoyed he sun and the lake and the birds and the passersby and I enjoyed my morning coffee in the sun at the café near where my Mum used to play hooky from school. I got a piece of spinach pie to take away and bring home for lunch and as soon as I arrived there was a text from Scott saying maybe we need to give up on meeting now and that he was sorry.

I wish I could just let go and accept it. I kid myself I am okay alone but the truth is I would love a real person here in flesh to share simple life with (crying buckets as I write this.. right now) just to eat a simple lunch, go for a walk, have a cuddle, share chores and see each others eyes. Its breaking my heart completely in two and I cannot really explain the melt down that is going on in my body right now. I feel I have bits of undigested food and phlegm in all my tissues and parts of my body where they should not be I have been crying so goddam much.

Not sure where Mars is transiting right now and whether or not is in in my 12th house yet but that is what I am feeling, there is all the longing for an emotionally connected family that would have attuned to me and cuddled me and held me through my upsets and longings and tantrums to listen to what I truly wanted and needed but attention was always elsewhere and I know that NOW THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY AND MINE ALONE BUT IT JUST FEELS SO VERY VERY PAINFUL recognising so deeply in my body what my inner child longed for and did not get.

I think of how unheld my mother and father both were as children. I think of how much my Mum struggled for her identity and with a mother who was just NOT THERE. Mum told me in later life Nana was more excited to see my Dad than her, Mum told me once her Mum never once told her she loved her. Mum was made to do all the cleaning and had to bring herself up. The only help they got from the government following the First World War which took my Grandad’s life was a pair of black bull nosed shoes. Nana got no pension at all she had to go out cleaning offices. So Mum was left alone and I have shared about this extensively before.

My older sister who is now dead, Judith was born when Mum was only 22. Dad was away at the War and arrived home to news he had a daughter. I spoke to her second oldest son yesterday and we spoke of how our family was geared around hard work and appearances, we lost Dad when he was still relatively young (54) to cancer in 1985 and I was sent out alone after that to fend for myself pretty much. I am strong like my Mum. I have not been able to keep hold of love with a partner before due to my individuation struggle and my self sufficiency too I guess and with Scott I finally feel I have found my soul mate, the one I could lean on but still the impulse is also to push away and long for my freedom and independence too.

Maybe if I let this go in time I may meet a new person and maybe I wont, maybe I can be happy enough alone because the most joy I get is from my blog when something I write or share here helps another person. That is really what I live for despite the fact the world is always telling me to care for myself first.

Anyway my crying has calmed somewhat now. I had some painful thoughts about the ill treatment in the past from my living sister last night. She said some fairly mean things behind my back a few years ago and yet there has been love there too but it has never been fully unconditional. I always sensed a deep disapproval of my lively nature from this sister of mine, unlike my older sister Judith who was also a bit of a rebel. I know she is very repressed herself. I saw her trying to come out of her old skin after her marriage ended and being shot down in flames, she was a bit ‘manic’ at times, but I don’t think the heavy drugging has helped.

I don’t fully understand all the ins and outs of what she has been through but I do know there has been a hell of a lot of loss for her too. At the moment I am pulling back. I don’t have the energy at the moment to make the 30 minute trip to the hospital. Other times I knew she found the weekends hard so I would take her out but I am too tired to do it right now. Like I told Scott today when he asked me to do something. Today I need to practice self care. That may have seemed selfish to me before today, but the gutting I am feeling shows me I am very close to a boundary I must respect and honour if I want to stay functioning and well as well as deeply inwardly connected to my soul. Crying a lot of tears and listening sensitively to my own deep pain is all a part of this as is writing this in order to externalise where I am. I will always carry a lot of pain over my neglect but sometimes in the mornings I feel all that joy, hope, life and possibility returning and then it goes again up and down in and out. Maybe that is just where I really truly am now as all things oscillate as they always do in life..