Do not write about me

Please do not write about me in your blog, my sister said to me yesterday when she told me the psychiatrist is putting her back into hospital for the 8 or 9th time. How do I honour my sister’s wishes and stay true to me? How can my voice be silenced? Is it wrong of me to write of our struggles here? What of the other suicide survivors and trauma and neglect and abuse survivors who might draw some comfort here?

Once again on the telephone yesterday afternoon I just found myself crying and crying to the depths of my soul. After I hung up it was too much for me I called by brother and we shared our helplessness and sadness. Still I know being in hospital will mean my sister is not alone in her apartment day after day after day. I know how hard I work to sustain a life of miminal earthly connections. My primary soul connections seem to be here on my blog with others I never physically can meet or share a cup of tea with. Its remote for sure but the love when felt going both ways in mutual exchange fills my heart.

So I will try not to write too much about my sister so that I honour her boundaries. I don’t know if people think sharing my distress is self pity. I know my sister’s friends have accused her of self pity too. One told me she needs to get up and get active and get a life and I know that is true but I also know what it is to have a ravaged heart. I know the terrible traumas my sister has endured over years and years and what she has witnessed in supporting others through illness and death. When our mother fell before dying it was my sister who went around to her place, I sensed something was wrong and called the caretaker and he called Sue and she was there and had to make the decision for Mum to go to hospital knowing it would probably be the final time and it was. This all happened after my little grand niece had suffered a seizure a day or two before.

I struggled to breathe this morning. I offered to drive my sister to the hospital but a family friend has offered to and she took that offer. I rang my therapist in tears despite the fact I know the hospital is the best place for my sister right now. She needs people around her. Modern living is too disconnected and she didn’t have the energy fronting into a second lot of cancer treatment to orchestrate her own life.

Midway through our conversation yesterday I recognised what I was feeling, it was fear. I was so terrified for her and when I told her this she said she was also feeling fear. I felt calmer speaking to my brother. He isolates a lot too into his work. Isolation is spoken a lot about in the rooms of AA and addiction recovery. When we don’t open our hearts and our true real selves to others that is yet another form of spiritual isolation. I cried with Kat today about the times of anger with my sister and Mum. I suffer guilt even though I know the trauma history is far bigger than me. And yet I am genuine with what I express. I don’t try to hide or sugar coat it. I try my best to be honest. I said to my sis yesterday there is a time to actually be vulnerable and to reach out. I know she finds that hard, she is an intensely private person.

One thing I do know and was a conclusion both my brother and I reached. We feel powerless over where my sister is at. We know the limits of our power to effect change and that is why today I am relying on prayers and if you pray will you please pray for my sister. Scott keeps telling me she will be fine. I appreciate his sense of hope. He says to stay calm and on one level I am. Life is what it is, people are as they are, nothing is a mistake if it leads to growth, learning and opening our hearts a little wider. Who knows if that is not the true purpose of these more recent developments with my sister?