The response that was a precious gift to me on boundaries

I just received the most helpful comment on my recent boundaries blog which made me cry and spoke of such truth I really consider it a gift. The commenter writes the most beautiful blog and it is so spiritually rich but just be affirmed in the way I was made me realise that when I feel like protesting.. it actually IS OKAY TO PROTEST and I must take seriously the inner protest of my own body speaking to me. I do believe that so much abuse happens to us when we are overpowered or have things forced into us or have our hands tied or are pinned down and forced to swallow things we don’t like then made to feel bad for protesting something. Not being able to know the feeling that it didn’t taste good or nutritious for us and we should be grateful or just suck it up is very damaging for us.

I see my own Catholic education as very damaging in lots of ways, as young girls raised in catholic schools we were not taught about the spiritual sanctity of our bodies and protest was wrong. We were taught to love and care for others over ourselves at times. We were not taught the important things, such as our emotions are guides, and anger is often a sign that we are being treated unfairly or something is going on around us that is unjust in some way. We were not taught that the right of protest exists for a reason and anyone who will not allow us to protest something or express the way we TRULY feel about it is really not being fair to us. There is always a way of validating another person’s point of view and right to have it EVEN IF it differs from our own because often we do not know what emotions may be triggered by someone in response to something we do, since their response rests with them and their personal history.

I have never really felt able to say no with ease. I recently went on a date where I was overpowered by someone’s advances, at the time it felt a bit off, but I was a bit over come by the will of the person. It was hard for me to say no. What then can happen for me is that after I say okay or yes, I have a sense I have dropped my boundary and my body rebels somehow. I had this with my ex partner the first time we met. He tried to move things to a physical level too quickly and I collapsed my boundary. All throughout the relationship his stronger will over powered mine and in the end I was dumped when I didn’t do what he wanted me to do or make the sacrifices he expected me to make.

I still went on blaming myself for a number of years and it took a lot of therapy to realise what really went down all those years ago. I learned to settle for less and sometimes over ride things that hurt me due to the threat of abandonment and in the end it was and is my responsibility to change that pattern. I also put up with disrespect and him putting me down and labelling me as wrong for just being myself.

I also have the astrological nodes in Leo and Aquarius, the south node is in the later and I have read that one of the major lessons for us with these nodes is to learn how to exercise our own will more directly and powerfully, it also lies in us not allowing ourselves to be as overpowered by the wills of others. Leo relates also to the kingly Self that allows self respect and interior authenticity and power in alignment with that true self, often somewhat ferociously expressed.

Often when we try to set a boundary it will not be accepted and we may struggle with setting boundaries appropriately when loss of love and approval is threatened which perhaps dovetails with some of what may be labelled ‘passive aggressive’ behaviour. Often those who go on to be passive aggressive were overpowered or over controlled by parents and the only way they can rebel is by digging their heels in, they may agree to do something they don’t want to do because they fear losing love but when we fear losing love over loving ourselves we always end up losing out in the end anyway.

I am going to include some paragraphs from the comment because it is such helpful advice it might help other readers who struggle with boundaries.

This path is not to please others its to find the place where you feel peace, allowing yourself the space to be YOU is where boundaries change, because growth means as you grow your capacity grows it allows more or different scenarios it might not have before as you grow.

..where you are is where you need to be to get to where you are going. We must allow each other space to be and to vent and to move through things. If someone with you said “I love you through your emotion and I love you for it and I’ll love you on the other side of it” how may you feel then?

You can choose that language to speak into your own heart.. “the kingdom of heaven is within you” everything you need is in you, when your body says stop, then stop, listen, align, allow, forgive, accept, flow and release all expectation to others and remember you are loved exactly where you are. It will all flow and heal we must not try to heal and move based on another or carry their expectation as a wall to shut our own path and healing down, then we stay in the abuse and never flow through it.

Our younger self needs us to stop when it screams stop and be kind and love her where she is at, that is the only way that I have found that authentically heals and that doesn’t mean that we heal into another’s expectation, it means you accept and allow LOVE from you exactly where you are at. The pressure and guilt of pleasing others… is a reflection of the kindness we lack to ourself… guilt is another side of us screaming for love and attention.

Thank you Kerri Elizabeth for this. It really makes so much sense to me. My therapist often says I find it easier to give to others than to myself at times.. Its interesting to me as this man I have connected with has been asking for help for a year now he cannot give to himself and its a sign of something far far deeper in me that I attracted this ‘lesson’ too. There is a lot to ponder. My Catholic education steeped me in so much guilt and shame and it has twisted my reality so much at times… I think these thoughts of yours when applied and practiced in honouring my inner child and her true needs and boundaries could really straighten me out.