This still makes me cry. I see my cancer surgeon today and my sister is facing radiotherapy soon so its still raw for me.
Sister I will carry you if I can
But sometimes the weight of loss is so heavy
It is only the body that counts the cost
Of feelings we could never admit
To the Self that ached all alone
In its silent longing
You and I have known the grief of silence
Years ago we both sat behind the door
Remembering the adage
Be seen and not heard
So that now If it is hard to ask for help We need to remember why
So often our Mum didn’t think it was worth it to cry
Because no one was there
To dry the tears
I watch as you struggle to eat and see how your arms shake
Your body still containing
The terror of the knife which cut in to tender flesh
While consciousness was obliterated
But still somewhere the body knows
Did we really think we could fool…
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Emerging From The Dark Night 
Oh Deborah, sending hugs your way. I hope the appointment with your surgeon today went as well as possible… ♥ xxxx
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It did Caz and she really affirmed me in my decision to steer clear of my radiation oncologist.. I need a mammogram but she said it all looks fine, so fingers crossed. How was your week Caz?
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Don’t worry about me, I’m okay. Well, no, I’ve been stressing myself sick and my anxiety is through the roof, but I’ll get on top of it, it’s just taking time. You know how it goes. Some days just get on top of you.
I’m glad the appointment went okay – it’s reassuring she thinks everything is okay, and has affirmed the decision to avoid the radiation oncologist; will you be booking in for a mammogram next?xx
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Yes, Caz but I need to go when my body feels more settled. I had a terrible conflict with someone this week and it really put me back in suicidal depression for a while. I will go in a few weeks when I feel more stable.
I hope you manage some calm time. Anxiety is not easy. I am focusing much more on my breathing these days and self calming. It does help.
Hugs to you. xoox
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