Opening my heart to be loved

I seem to be pretty close to tears all the time tonight. I did a walk to the oval earlier and just broke down while there. I don’t want to go into what sparked it any more but the pain in my heart was so very deep. I saw how at times it has been hard to accept when people want to help or give something to me. I was raised to be pretty self sufficient and look after myself and not say too much. I think its why in the end I became an alcoholic. I also did not really ever learn to voice my needs. It was maybe safer not to have them. But at the moment there is love there coming to me and I want to open my heart to it. I am also trying to reach out more and when the negative voices tell me something to stop me doing it I am not listening as much. I’ve agreed to help my friend with the final money needed which is also a big risk and if things work out we should be meeting soon. A really good friend of mine just called who has followed my journey with Scott since April last year and I was telling her that I have the feeling things may finally be turning around for me. I had an entire day with not one panic attack today. I didn’t have the early afternoon breathlessness at all.

I rang and spoke to my sister again and a lot of the call was spent in shared silence after periods of conversation. I shared some pain over things that went down over the past 24 hours and my sister just listened. I felt that gravitational pull towards wanting to be there and help her so strongly while realising she is where she is and all I can do is just reach out from time to time. My sister is not capable of reaching out to me or to anyone much right now.

I remember so many days like this. I also remember in my past relationship it was hard to give of myself sometimes. To open the door to my heart, I think this fear and reserve is something I have carried for a long time and related to my Saturn Moon and Mars in Cancer has been bringing up a lot of issues around my difficulty feelings with dependency and nurture.

Anyway its good to cry, I feel pretty peaceful tonight. I lit the fire at about 5 pm and its burning away beautifully. I cobbled together a dinner using my Rogan Josh sauce, pumpkin, chick peas and cauliflower with drops of mango chutney. Jasper is sleeping beside me as I write this. All is really well in our world and I actually feel happy even if tears are falling sometimes.

Today is Sorry Day in Australia, it is the anniversary of the recognition of the damage done to our First Nation’s People and here in the ACT we have a public holiday for Reconciliation Day tomorrow. Its interesting as I am in the middle of Stan Grant’s memoire Talking To My Country at the moment and he is mixed race and outlines a lot of the aboriginal history both personal and collective in that book. Finding ways to move on from suffering and hurt is a process and tears and acknowledgement of powerlessness and grief play a huge part, anger can also be a big part of it, but my experience is that as healing goes on in a deep process anger often alchemises in time and births wisdom and a profound sense of letting go from the ashes of hurt. I really feel for our First Nation’s people, they struggled with so much dispossession and forced removal, they were booted off their land, often at gun point and forced to give up their languages as the Christian elements undertook a programme of trying to erase their identity and integrate them.

Luckily these days they are reclaiming their language and telling their stories, and their true contribution and value is beginning to be recognised. Tomorrow will be a special day here and I am glad their struggle is finally being honoured and acknowledged.