I awoke to find that I have hurt and apparently tried to damage someone’s reputation by something I wrote I think two years ago..the details arent clear because I dont remember what I wrote and aftery they expressed upset in a comment yesterday I trashed the post because it apparently has caused hurt. I am unsure if trashing the post was the right thing to do.. it all happened so quickly and I was upset too. I was then accused of being a self pitying person who has over the top reactions. I am negative and not a positive force in the life of victims or survivors. I am a liar and just seeking sympathy for posting poems about it which has been a genuine if mixed up attempt to make sense of it all having no one to talk it through with as comments got blocked..
If this is true then I dont think my blog should continue. If all of this is true maybe its time for me to shut down my blog or at least stop writing it.
Two years ago someone tried to promote and help me, I took it as an invasion and an attack instead of a genuine show of support which I now realise it was. I misread things..I got the truth mixed up and for that I am genuinely sorry.
Its hard for me to accept love. To trust others good intentions and that hurts both them and me. I can’t make this right because the person concerned has blocked me commenting or even liking her comments and has told me I give her nightmares. There is nothing I can now do to make this right but I needed to post this to say I am so sorry for the way my reaction caused someone pain. It was never my intention I just didnt want to he promoted due to my own way of being but I handled it badly in the aftermath by trying to imply they hurt me by actually trying to help, in their eyes. I see now where I was at fault.
I am praying a lot and have asked Gods help to get through this and see the truth about myself as clearly as I can. If I am such a bad or negative or toxic person as she implies then I pray God will show me the truth and help me make corrections. I don’t take joy in causing hurt, intended or unintended.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Deborah:
• Was it just out of the blue that this person made these comments to you about something you did two years ago, or were there other communications after the fact?
• Were the comments public, or sent to you privately? I hope it was privately, because they should not have been posted publicly.
• I think you have posted many things of value that surely must have helped or supported others.
• The fact that you have written this today speaks of your hurt and regret.
• You’re an inward- looking person, and you pour out everything into your blog. Some would see it as brave, others as unwise. Some will relate to your thoughts, others will move on. You have a good number of followers, and I have seen many comments in support of your writing.
• You and I have similarities in some respects. I sometimes write about hurt, depression, anxiety and loneliness. At times starkly and directly, and at other times obliquely. I’ve always had the fear that writing about these things that touch us so intensely will eventually cause some people to wander away. It’s kind of the same reason that I don’t speak openly, even to friends, about those struggles. They get uncomfortable or embarrassed, and would much rather talk about something else. It is hard when you become known as a person who shies away from socializing or from committing to plans, and I have done this on more occasions than I care to admit.
• I remember reading one of your posts in which you expressed regret about upsetting a reader with your views on medications for depression, etc. What I remember, and took to heart, is your view that deep depression was actually caused from our being too far away from our own souls (correct me if that’s not what was said). I think you said that if medication helped some people, then that was fine, but in general you were not for it.
• Even if you perceive some truth in those remarks made against you, shutting down your blog seems drastic to me. I hope you stay with us.
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Thank you so much Lee. Yes she just posted some public comments yesterday and it all referred back to a post written 2 years ago. I saw things differently but some of what she said was valid but other things pretty extreme and i fely misreoresented in where I was coming from. But she wont let me comment any more because she said i make her ill or something like that. I may post the comment in the spirit of transparency..im not out to hurt any one which is how she is portraying it. I just wasnt comfotable being promoted thats all and even if im depressed or sad its okay its just where I am I dont need anyone to fix it. Its up to me in the end.
Thanks also for atriculating all you have here. I wont shut down my blog but i may be a bit quieter for a while. Coming out of the blue yesterday this has really rocked me at a pretty vulnerabke time with all thats going on with my sister. I so appreciate your honest thoughtful feedback. Bless you so much.
Much love to you. Deborah
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Also Lee I do understand how you feel there are limits as to what you express here. I do agree that maybe at times I over share here and post things that may be better left unsaid. I live alone so I don’t have anyone to talk out things with that is why I post it . Maybe I should keep some of those post in drafts but my body does feel better if I at least try to sort the tangle out someway rather than just internalise it. Maybe my blog sharing is not always wise. 🙂
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I don’t know what the misunderstanding was that brought you to this painful situation you are in right now. Firstly, you cannot go back in time and change what happened. Secondly, you only have this moment to acknowledge either a mistake or misunderstanding. Thirdly, whether you were right or wrong is not important. Apparently feelings have been hurt. You can now only control what you do next. You can’t control how others perceive what happened. We all have different perceptions of the same situation. Instead of allowing guilt to consume you, sit with the situation quietly and come to terms with it. Move forward in love. If the other party is not willing or able to communicate with you about the issue, try to let it go. Things have a way of aligning themselves when the time is right, and if it is right.
Rest my friend. Go easy on yourself. Everything will work out.
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Thanks Mary. I did talk it out with my therapist and I did write another post where I said just that. I cannot change that she hates me now and I must move on. I took it down because she is upset when I post anything at all or try to comment to apologise more. So my hands are tied. I appreciate your advice. It is very good advice.. Thank you so much, Mary ❤
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