The pain, the loss and the confusion of the later years : daily reflections

In therapy lately I am still working through the final tortured years of my addiction. I am exploring how it barren and challenging those years after my father’s death and following my return from overseas were. I lived with my Godparents for a time as my mother decided to remarry very quickly, in later years she confessed it was a mistake and she was scared of her own grief and being alone. Never the less getting the news dumped on me a few hours after I arrived home was not easy, but I wished her well, while feeling yet again there was no place for me and so it was I took myself off to Sydney and it was then the darkest years of my addiction took place, from 1988 to 1993 when I finally got married and got sober.

It hurts at times to explore these years. The group house I moved into was emotionally desolate full of other alcoholics and addicts and it was there that I underwent the fourth and very painful termination of pregnancy which my ex partner lied to his family about, leaving me alone and abandoned. I was sharing with Kat today how after breaking things off with me shortly after my outburst in response to his deception he pulled me back in, invited me out dinner, turned up at my house, slept with me then after dinner dumped me unceremoniously with the information of how fucked up I was and what help I needed, probably true but curiously when I got sober a while later I ran into him on a train and he was off his face on booze and possibly even drugs.

Three more dark years followed before I met my ex husband and got sober but I remember the terrible terrible darkness of the years 1990 to 1992 as the worst of my life. Things happened to me that I could not even share on this blog. These days I am grateful for my sobriety but I still blame myself. I still turn that blame and criticism out onto others at times.

I cried so much about it in therapy this afternoon, about how much I beat myself up, about how deeply I have buried my own longings for love and support as well as the pain of relationships in which I was never valued. Luckily now I no longer mix with guys like that, accepting the love of the person in my life lately is fraught with times I still lash out. I had a post banked up about this which I was trying to write before leaving for therapy today.

The Moon hit Pluto today so I was aware that something ugly and painful could surface in me and it did earlier in the day, I lashed out at Scott and then had to apologise, however in a way it is good for me to see my dark side, I know there is a lot of fear of trusting and when I get close to people there will be an attempt from the darker part of me to push them away.

I am not much haunted by the past later years any more. I am sharing about it today in my blog just to externalise and sum up where I found myself in therapy today. I arrived there very discombobulated and as usual Kat made my energy untwist. She always mirrors back my goodness to me though the critic wants to convince me I am bad and the world is hateful and hurtful I know that is only a part of what happens to me when what Eckhart Tolle calls my ‘pain body’ is triggered or rears up.

The longing I have for love is also tinged with the pain of having been so badly hurt in the past that self protection can make me turn upset at times, there is a reason why I am feeling frustrated at the moment and its good that I am with someone now who validates that and loves me unconditionally. He never threatens to dump me, he never judges me, he always tries to understand. I cried in therapy today because I realised as much as I have grown part of hates me and wants love and connection cut off at times. Getting a handle on this part is becoming easier. Kat talks all the time about self compassion and self forgiveness.

I got a very good book out of the library today on anger and reactive patterns and mindfulness and meditation. I will share some of it in a post soon. The angry hurting part of myself will probably always be there. As Kat reminds me over and over again I lost so much in my youth and there is so much to make up for. Being kind and loving to myself is the only way forward, challenging as that can be for so many of us who never got to believe in our good self.