Dis oriented

With so much going on emotionally and feeling also a bit skewiff in the digital age I came home this afternoon feeling all disoriented. I am realising I don’t often know what is going on with other people. I make presumptions based on painful way of looking at the world at times that comes out of my own abandonment schemas and I fail to make the right interpretations of reality, at least where other people are concerned. I finally got in touch with my sister after worrying half the day yesterday about her going to her radiotherapy pre opp appointment. I missed her return call last night as I went out late to walk Jasper and a missed call notification did not appear on my lock screen until I switched the phone on this morning and I had to have Jasper to the groomers early which is always hard. I struggled having grooming done to me when young and so I am reticent for my dog to be over groomed but he does have long hair and it ends up getting matted and tangled no matter how hard I try to stay on top of it. He wasn’t keen to be there this morning. I made sure I took him for a good run and lots of sniffing and wee stops prior to it cause I knew he would be confined for most of the day. They said they would let me know when he was ready but I left home around 2.30 after waiting for the call and when I got there he was locked in a cage… they obviously forgot to call. I was a little distressed seeing him confined to a small space, but I know its not life threatening but it did make me feel guilty and sad… it bought up old triggers for me.

Strange thing was I just found myself crying all the way there this afternoon after a fairly long conversation with my sister. My heart just goes out to her as I had to have 20 sessions of radiotherapy back in 2016 but they want to give her 28 which is so many. For me the burning impact of the build up was not felt until about the 15th session so I know its going to be so much to have to have 28 sessions. She is finding it hard to eat and I just felt so selfish for thinking I was being ignored or forgotten on the weekend when obviously she is fearful and stressed and cant really think of anyone else. Mum is gone too and my brother is a bit distant but I so felt like picking up the phone to him this afternoon and crying with him but I am a bit fearful he may shut me down. I could be even wrong there.

Anyway all I feel for my sister lately is this unconditional ocean of love. I don’t want to block the flow of it but touching base with her brings up all the tragic history of our family which has been so dogged by trauma that was no one’s fault really. I just think Mum and Dad focused so much on material and financial security at times they lost touch with emotional realities but they were both children of post war and the depression and both struggled in families without fathers. I am also crying with this longing for Scott and I to meet which may finally happen soon but I notice his absences trigger a huge wound for me at times and the last thing I want to do is lash out.

I watched the movie American Sniper the other day and really related to it. I saw the struggle Chris Kyle’s wife went through when he was absent on 4 tours of duty. Its a true story and so so sad as he was eventually killed along with Chad Littlefield after returning home by another vet who he was trying to help. I told Scott about it yesterday and then let him have a serve for all the men who go off to war or fight terrorism and leave women and kids all alone at home. Taya begs Chris at one point not to go back for another tour of duty but he does before finally cracking and deciding he has had enough. (Sorry if you haven’t seen the movie this contains spoilers….. ). Chris Kyle was actually born the same year as Scott, just six months earlier.

Anyway after feeling a lot of grief and the anger triggered by all of this yesterday I realised where it was all coming from, Mum and Dad’s attention was so often diverted by work or other events in our family that emotionally they could not be there for me or I could not allow myself to need them as I knew they already had so much on their plate so I would just hide it when things went wrong instead of reaching out to them. But lately this casing around my heart just seems to be breaking open and all the blame and anger I had well I see its not really right for what was in their hearts.

It can be very confusing but all I know is that lately when I cry I am crying to the depths of a wound that probably is not all about me at all. I noticed today Chiron is at 4 degrees Aries and so its sextiling Moon Saturn with is the emotional repression ancestral imprint, so maybe something deeper is opening with all of these tears and as I trust to move through old defences and fears (Saturn astrologically rules fears and defences and repression.) Sextile represent opportunities to address things and Chiron has moved on and is semi sextile its own place.

I feel my sister’s loneliness and bodily suffering so deeply. I know the degree to which her grief has been blocked by meds. I understand it all. I just want to be there for her but in therapy on Monday I was truly crying deep to my pit with the realisation I could not ‘save’ Judith and neither can I save Sue, but I can at least be there for her to hold her hand and provide some comfort. No one else in the family has been through radiotherapy and so they do not fully understand. I just know as long as my sister lives. I just have to be there for her. I really really do. I would not feel right in my heart if I was not there.