I guess when you can finally start to laugh and see the ridiculousness of your Inner Critic’s need to keep you safe from hurt or rejection you are a long way to overcoming its toxic power.
A long time ago I started to visualise my Inner Critic as a male personality I called Mr A. I got this concept from the work of Jungian Analyst Robert Johnson on active imagination where you visualise your inner complexes of emotions or thoughts or energies as entities or beings or animals and conduct a conversation or dialogue with them, similar to Voice Dialogue work of Robert Firestone.
Well Mr A is kind of tall skinny guy with a very long hooked nose (not unlike my Mum’s the one she used to flare with steam coming out before a perfectionist driven rage driven cleaning onslaught or frenzy in youth.) Mr A is constantly on my case about all the ways I don’t quite measure up, all the ways in which my latest idea is not the best and would be better of quashed. He is always trying to protect me from something be it looking like a fool, being seen for who I really am (messy, a bit disorganised at time, a free floating flower child who would rather skip and dance though a field of waist high poppies than sit quietly reading in a dusty old library) or just really (come to think about it) being fully alive while NOT GIVING AS MUCH OF A DAM ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.
Anyway I had to laugh at the progress I made last night as his latest criticism was falling short and I was not listening and then I visualised him putting a big foot in front of my thought door as I tried to close it on him. I then watched as he toppled over and fell down in to a deep tunnel, I saw the soles of his feet disappearing as he fell while my inner child danced gleefully about the perimeter. The whole thing just made me crack up laughing and today despite all the latest schenannigans with the bank I just seem to be bursting out into laughter every little while with some silly thought while enjoying the sunshine that appeared from behind clouds a few hours ago.
It feels really refreshing and light not to be so weighted down by heavy concern and seriousness today. I seem to get myself in such a lather at times, just like my mother used to do. The other day when I put a tissue through a dark jeans wash I just make a big joke about it as I shook the jeans over the bannister outside the laundry door. This could have been a punishable offence a while back.
As I write this Mr A is still looking a bit haughtily on from the sidlelines telling me such jocularity may be seen as a sign of madness and hadn’t I better at least try pulling it all together. Maybe I am finally getting a bit of distance from Mr A.
I gave Scott a huge serve in the early hours of this morning due to all the recent problems with the bank. He is promising he is going to face down the Fraud team as soon as he can get off deployment and make everything right but as soon as I wrote the words “I hope you suffer for this’ being sleep deprived and amped up I instantly regretted them. I did apologise. He didn’t meant to cause all this bank debacle its just the way of things now with so much international scamming and fraud going on. I want to keep a light attitude about it all though. I have been awake since 4 am this morning and so I may be a little around the bend today. If so its a kind of divine madness and it feels a great relief to actually be laughing instead of crying.
Right now I am off to skip through some long grass at the dog park with Jasper and enjoy the kiss of the Sun far far away from the dark depressing confining world of the banking system and Mr A!!!
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Enjoy the walk. Wish you could come back and just completely relax.
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I may just do that…. lol 🙂
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Actually I am going to make sure I do.. ❤ Wishing you a good sleep xo
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hi deb. how was the walk? fun? xo
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Yes it was lovely Carol Anne but I was a bit tired as I only slept til 4 am..which isnt usual for me I usually get back to sleep but a lots been going down How is your day panninng out..its morning there now..8 pm here love and huggles 🤗❤🤗❤
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Having a good morning here. Went to class, never realise I didn’t have any class, didn’t look at the timetable so got a taxi up there all for nothing. Oh well. You live and learn 💟💗
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Aww never mind thats the way life goes sometimes. Hope the sun is shining there 🌅
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It’s trying to, not quite there yet though xo 😍
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Mr A needs to be thrown into the ocean! I’m so glad you’ve felt the lightness of not being so heavily burdened by concern and seriousness, even if only temporarily. You know it’s possible and you can return to that feeling in future. It’s a rare feeling for me, too, especially lately. Laughter really is good medicine for the soul in many ways. I’ve missed a few things while being behind on blogs so I’m a little confused over the Scott situation and what’s happened recently with the bank. But it does sound like it’s causing you a heck of a lot of grief still, so it’s all the more impressive you’ve been able to laugh – definitely far better than crying or taking all of this on your shoulders constantly! xx
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The short story is that he will be allowed to leave and pay the majority of the funds from his own account that got frozen a year ago. The stress with the bank now is they are blocking access to 3/4s of my funds because I made the mistake of telling them I was talking to someone overseas who needed money. They now will not give up the idea that I am being scammed. They will not release funds I need to help my nephew and don’t even believe he is real. That’s the short story Caz. Is so infuriating as I basically have no control over my own money and until he can get here nothing can be proved…
Anyway I was so glad to find that relief the other morning. I tend to get into a very dark angry accusatory space when frustrated like this…. And yeah Mr A never bloody shuts up most of the time so it was kinda cool that he got rumbled. He has been back but I am laughing more when I can.
I hope you can too, Caz. How are you feeling lately? xoox
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That really is infuriating for you, it’s like you’re helpless to make your own choices when it’s your own money. I’d like to think there’s some element of trying to protect you as a customer, even if it’s misguided and not correct, but they don’t realise the implications at all! How’s your nephew doing at the moment..? I’m okay thank you, well no, not really, but it’s the quicker, less boring answer! I guess I’ve just been driving myself silly with stressing over things, money and such being one big aspect, and my anxiety is getting the better of me. Maybe I should give my inner stress-head a nickname because he never ever bloody shuts up either. Mr Asshole. Mr A & Mr Asshole deserve each other, they need to leave us both alone! 😉
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Lol EXACTLY Caz..but when lots has gine wrong un the past we tend to project it in the present/future. If you ever need to destress Im here ☺ Scott taught me an acronym for FEAR face everything and rise so often fear or anxiety only sees doom and gloom. Money anxiety is hard though. Sending you a big hug xox
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