Daily update

Life as an empath can be hard going a lot of the time. We naturally feel for others and want to extend a lending hand but its a fine line at times as to when this is healthy and not healthy. And others, sensing our caring nature are only too happy to download stuff into us or make demands, or maybe want a little bit of the light we may have to offer at times. At other times it may be us who is feeling a bit needy and in the absence of others noticing as much as we do (and isn’t the world busier and busier these days?) we may help because in some way we have projected our own neediness onto others.

I broke down in tears today while having lunch with my sister. I know its very hard for her to drive right now due to recent cancer surgery and so after walking Jasper in the park near where she lives I rang to ask her if she would like me to pick her up and take her for a coffee and some lunch. It was a nice thing to do but my anxiety level has been high this weekend due to a package I sent containing funds to help Scott via registered post not arriving. When my sis started sharing how much help her son is offering her at present I just broke down in tears. I asked help of my brother recently and he just ignored the email entirely. I struggle on doing all I can taking care of my own life but at times I get so fed up of having no one to lean on or offer to lend a hand.

My sister reached out a hand to me across the table and just held mine. It was a tender moment. Mum also left her her unit to move into and there is a problem as it was not listed as hers on the will, she spoke about how she is going to have to buy me out, but she actually owns three other properties and despite this she often cries poor. I don’t want to seem like a greedy person but I am entitled to half of the estate that remains. I am not a materialistic person and sometimes I don’t feel I have the right to what I did not earn. Anyway I wont fight her over it, but neither am I going to roll over on it entirely.

In any case money does not buy love. I am on my own because I chose not to have children. On a positive note my deceased sisters sons are there for me and said as much to me this week, its just that they live about 1,200 miles away up north. Today I just felt a bit bereft at lunch. Seeing how much this surgery had slowed my sister down is really, really hard, it reminds me of my own mortality and at times it feels like illness has dogged my relations with siblings ever since my sister Judith’s cerebral bleed back in 1980. I cried a lot this morning maybe because its close to the anniversary of her death in a week and my sister will be going to the coast house with her son and his family for Easter. I haven’t been invited but my sister hinted at how she isn’t up to driving down and it appears that her son doesn’t have room for her in the car with his wife and the kids. I didn’t sign up to go, I may be happier just having a quiet Easter here with Jasper. Its just the fact that holidays drive home the fact of two recent deaths, my older sis and my Mum.

The day is ending gently though. I don’t know how a registered post item has failed to be delivered but I just checked online and there was an industrial fire near one of the mail sorting locations near Sydney so maybe that held things up. I sometimes wish God would just give me a lucky break… that something would work out effortlessly for me. Sometimes I just feel like getting into bed and spending the day there far from all the triggers. (Maybe I will do it one day over Easter!!!) Never the less I am grateful to be alive and for the blessings of each day.