On fear

I think when I look back at the roots my addiction to alcohol rose out of, even from a young age I was ruled by fear. I am sure my Mum and Dad were too a lot of the time. I went to a steps meeting today, there was a bit of confusion finding the room which was in the library and I met up with another member with two assistance dogs who was lost in the wrong space, (typical for me!) and we finally found the room. It was on Step 6 : becoming entirely ready to had defects of character removed. I never really liked that terminology as I have felt kind of defective for most of my life. But I do get the sense that primal feelings can motivate us which are not always effective in a good way and one of them for me is fear.

I think I try to people please a lot due to fear. I am scared to have to face things alone, even though in the past I was able to if I didn’t think about things too much. As you age life can become a more fearful place in some ways especially if you have had a lot of difficult experiences and loss you know all the things that could go wrong and you can get stuck in worrying about them happening again and sometimes that paralyses you when you really need to act. I did it yesterday, I shared at a meeting when asked even when I was scared about what to say as I have not shared for over two years. That said who knows how much of what I say makes sense.

I enjoyed the meeting and we went for lunch afterwards and it was lovely to socialise with others. I came home and got Jasper out to the dog park where I ran into three people I know so over the years being back home I have started to build up new connections and I am not as alone as I used to be when I was isolating all the time because the world seemed to be such a place of damage for me.

The steps never say that defects will be fixed or removed, the best that I feel can happen is that we come to some kind of awareness around our prime motivators. We are human and will always be subject to fear. Fear is just a thought form really (though as well know it has a huge physiological component) and it can drive all kinds of reactions. Sometimes maybe I get angry when I am really scared and so rather than allow myself to feel weak, small, fearful or overpowered I can get angry. The storm seems to hide the fear but then I cry cause usually I have ended up hurting someone or because I have made things worse inside me than if I calmly took time out to recollect and take my scared self by the hand. Good friends will often understand when you are angry and cut you some slack. In the end I have heard that anger is a warning sign and shows where we need boundaries, but there are probably a lot of fears that are just existential too.

At the moment I am fearful of my inheritance being taken away because I lashed out at my brother, though I read the three emails to my therapist and she told me there was nothing offensive in them. I am scared I am going to be alone for another two years. In the end I do know I have the ability to face what comes. I can get myself up and moving these days and not become as paralysed in inertia or repetitive thoughts or anxiety as in the past. I need to remember this because the tendency to magnify or paint everything blacker than it needs to be can sometimes be a default setting. I need to encourage myself more too. That very word says it all, doesn’t it? As an antidote to fear to fill yourself with courage by speaking kindly and powerfully to yourself in a balanced way. Come on, you can face this kiddo! You can do it!! But for me often my default setting is the opposite, just a shit load of negation or self sabotage. I just have to become more aware when all of this is kicking into gear and answer the fear with faith, a positive attitude and a sense of courage. And when is overpowering share about it with others and ask for help.