Handing my will over

I guess to many people the idea of surrendering and handing your will over seems a bit strange, but this is the place I am in today. After yet another morning of frustration knowing that if Scott cannot pay for a registration to get on a list to be flown out of his deployment he is facing certain war, I just felt so small and helpless and responsible though he keeps telling me the responsibility is not mine to take on. I just have to ask and all my money will be returned that I have sent so far, but to be honest money cant keep you warm and I’d rather he could come home before two years (if he ends up making it and not dying.) However without help from my brother or the bank believing the situation is real I cannot get that money to him in time. It’s a horrible sad powerless place to be in.

Then we ended up arguing just before he left for patrol. I got so angry but when I finally get out of my anger/fight state all that is left is just feelings of deep powerlessness and sadness, Jasper wanders in to say hello and I just collapse into tears. No amount of raging or screaming is going to change a single thing so I just practiced my first three steps of the programme this morning, acknowledging what I am powerless over and asking for God or Higher Power’s help to live this day well and focus on love and positive things. Getting dragged down into a negative spiral will help nothing.

I have registered some interest to get involved with a company that helps the elderly. If you sign up to help you can nominate what you do and I would like to take people on outings to support them if I can, but then I think often its me who needs support so am I doing this as a kind of reverse projection of my own longings and needs. What this last situation with Scott which has been going on for over 9 months now is showing me is how much I try to help but then end up frustrated and depleted. Its hard to keep the focus on my own life and when I do its only me and Jasper that is involved and it ends up getting very lonely at times. I know the cure for this is to reach out but sometimes the true loneliness we feel isn’t about some one being there but lies in feeling connected and fully seen. Better to be alone than with someone who does not see you or who you cannot really connect with. Never the less I would love to help the elderly and give something back to the community. I am also going back to 12 step meetings.

Anyway the way for me to connect in the morning is via a small time of meditation in which I try to shift my focus onto the constructive, if I stew on all that has gone wrong as far as money and other things over the past months and now with my brother I just get into a twisted up ball of frustration. Then I tend to lash out which doesn’t help and can alienate others or even part of myself LOL!!! Far better to look for that place of peace where I hand over my self will. It doesn’t mean I don’t take action or use my will, only that I put it in alignment with flow and don’t fight the river.

And I know I have to take care over the next week or two while transiting Mars squares natal Chiron and Pluto. Mars square Pluto can be about others trying to exert their will or power over us (in this case its my brother trying to control my financial affairs) or us feeling all the buried frustration over previous times and incidents of powerlessness and thwarting and then becoming hyper reactive. Better to take the frustration outside of the arena and do something physical to let off steam in a safe way, other wise accidents can happen

I also did some reading the other day on how narcissists wont listen to you. They don’t care about your feelings so you can basically plead until you are blue in the face but if they don’t want to feel it or be affected they wont and according to them its just your own bad luck. I had a long conversation about it with a mutual friend yesterday and she cannot understand the way my brother is treating me. I understand that its him projecting his own will and fears onto me but I am powerless over that too. I am going to seek some legal advice though on my rights. I need to seek for some power in a healthier way. Part of me just wishes to walk away from the entire inheritance but I know that would probably be stupid. Or just be paid out and small sum and leave it all behind me. But I have to support myself for the rest of my life.

In any case my meditation keeps me calm and centred and asking for inner guidance before acting and going off half cocked is far better in the long run. I just feel lately I need to fly under the radar for a while and find the places where I do have power.

My Higher Power Prayer

Dear Higher Power, today please keep me centred, please guide me and keep my focus on those things that will bring authenticity and honesty into my life. Please help me surrender what is not mine to control and please help me to understand when I am reacting out of fear. Help me to stay humble and grounded and in touch with my true source of power which lies within but help me also to find courage and energy to do today those things that I do no find easy but are necessary in order for me to grow and live in the light. Show me today the loving thing to do. Stay close to me and keep me safe. And bless those you bring into my life who are my soul family. Thank you for the gift of those people. Help me to live this day well.

Amen.