Well the sky is crying today mirroring my inner mood. We always hope for the love and support of family, the soul in us needs to be seen, early mirroring is essential for the child and I posted a video of the still face experiment a few weeks ago in which a mother stops mirroring and responding to the baby and slowly you watched the baby foundering and almost drowning in a sea of emptiness at not being responded to or seen. Luckily in the experiment the mother rebonds after a few minutes and restores the child’s calm and connected peacefulness and happiness at the end, what is not shown is the devastating result when that soothing and recognition and holding and love does not come. Many of us who become addicts know this place of drowning so well. There is the expression ‘drowning our sorrows’ almost as if we take the poison heat of alcohol into our bodies to warm us up from within and help us to forget the emptiness that is almost unbearable.
Its a little how I am feeling today after the horrible incident with my brother yesterday. Last week I really thought he was going to support me but its clear now that he will not. Luckily I can comfort myself these days. I taped a photo of myself at about age 5 onto the bathroom mirror last night as recommended by Louise Hay. Certain followers recently have told me they think her ideas are a load of rubbish but I don’t. I really feel that that child inside us needs to be seen and to be loved. So I am going to focus on this mirror work practice over the next few weeks. If my brother wont be there for me, I will just have to be there for myself. I do believe its best if we recognise that people not being there for us often has more to do with them than with us. I have to cop this treatment of my brother’s on the chin.
I need to get some advice about what the limits of his power are as executor of my mother’s estate soon. I was a bit reactive yesterday and just emailed him saying I probably didn’t deserve any money from the estate and I would rent a place a sell my house to survive but in the clear light of today such a reaction seems a bit stupid. Hopefully he will understand I was triggered. I just don’t have power over this money my Mum left and its going to be restricted due to me being silly enough to take him into my confidence about certain things.
Anyway I have been crying a lot this morning and feeling pretty darn sad about it all and small and powerless to boot, I just dont want to get lost in these feelings. I don’t like my brother’s attitude at times, he makes me feel so worthless and small. I know the book on every day narcissism says that if we are upset about how others treat us we have to take back our power but it hurts to feel diminished or spoken over by someone and when you get the sense they look down on you and don’t really know you anyway it just really hurts. Maybe I haven’t shown enough compassion for my brother. I am sure its not easy to have to overseer of of this I just wish he realised I was not just his ‘baby sister’ any more but a grown woman with common sense. Mind you when I get angry it just makes him judge me more due to his lack of empathy.
Well today I am just sad. There aren’t a lot of people to reach out to. Scott said to apologise to my brother and that its okay he doesn’t help me. He said to let the whole thing go. Sorry but that just angered me more, I have been put through hell over recent months trying to help him and now this. I hate now the fact I cared enough to help others all the time, where has it got me. Not that I did it to get anything back, I just didn’t want to be emptied out. I know my brother is trying to protect me but I also know he always puts money above everything too. Today I am just cursing Mum she knew what he was like and often said he was a workaholic and yet she handed over all power to him. This wound is really hurting and smarting and making me feel sad today. I have to go do something nice for myself so I don’t wallow in the sadness too long. I’m also just trying to work on acceptance and count my blessings for what I do have.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Yes, I have messages to myself, stuck on my mirror, and I read the words every morning
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that’s great Ivor do you find it helpful?
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Yes, it’s a simple message to myself
“Walking through the forest, my tunnel grows wider
Walking out of the forest, my light grows brighter
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Thats lovely ☺
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Seems to be effective for me, while I’m tackling trying to get fit for my trip
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I hope you are gaining energy every day.
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This week has been a good week for me, overall I’m starting to feel the improvement 😊😁
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Thats great to hear..having something to.look forward to must be helping too..🤗
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Yes definitely a good focus for me
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That’s so tough. I feel for you. You look outward for support but sometimes you need to put up the defences and do it yourself. That’s me not lecturing you it’s me describing myself. Gomand do something nice.
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Id never feel lectured by you. I appreciate your point of view. Its just more sadness today. I cant change so much so I just have to pray. big hugs .. its overcast today but I will find something I enjoy to make the day good. 🙂
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I quite Louise Hay, and the idea of the childhood photo is a good one. I like looking through some of mine. I might tape one up of age 5 too, remind me of when I was happy and felt free. I’m so sorry you’re not getting the support or response you need from your brother. But you’re right, you can comfort yourself and that just shows how far you’ve come.
It does, however, sound like a tricky situation with the will. I obviously don’t understand much about what’s going on with that or the intricacies of it, but please don’t put yourself down or out with it in thinking you don’t ‘deserve’ any money from the estate. You are as deserving as he is and you should have what’s rightfully yours even if it’s just a matter of principle. It’s about standing your ground, you deserve to do that for yourself. I just hate that your brother makes you feel so worthless sometimes (I have the same with my brother in being made to feel that way and as much as you want to not care, you can’t help but be hurt by it). If you want to count your blessings, count that you have a boundless heart of compassion and generosity, that you value helping others over pettiness or money, that you are one of the most considerate and thoughtful people I know; you deserve far more than what you get in return from others.
Caz Xxxx
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This really made me cry Caz…..I dont know what else to say but Thank you..Im so sorry your brother treats you with lack or respect also..I think men can be so demeaning of women..but the fact is they wouldnt even have the gift of life had not their mothers carried then 9 months and sacrificed so much….it does make my blood boil sometimes. Bless your beautiful heart..Caz thanks so much for your friendship and support. Xox
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My brother is actually quite ignorant (gets on his high horse, likes to spout of to get a sense of superiority I think) towards lots of people, he doesn’t discriminate so man or woman he’ll try to talk over you and down to you. Not always, and maybe he doesn’t intend it or realise it fully. But with me it has been a bit different. He made me cry at my graduation (I self-taught my degree but go to go to an official graduation), and that’s one of the things that hurt me the most because it ruined the whole thing, my sense of achievement, all of it, just because of the way he was that day. And then it felt like he was right.. I’ve done nothing with my life, I’ve achieved nothing, ergo I am nothing. Of course, people don’t have to say horrible things out loud bluntly to make you feel the way they do, as you know. And it can make us wonder whether we’re being ‘overly sensitive’, which I don’t really think we are. Some people are just clever, or ignorant, in how they demean us. Anyway, ramble over! 🙂
You never have to thank me, I’m grateful for your friendship also. ♥
xx
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Oh my but thats so not true…im sorry i had therapy this morning or I would have replied more immediately. How painful. Maybe hes secretly jealous who knows…but its horrible of him to me so nasty and insensitive..truly… 🤗🤗🤗🤗
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And i couldnt press like on your comment for this reason. Xo
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I use the work of Louise Hay often within my practice. She was an amazing lady and did so much for the greater good xx
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I love her i got the book Life Lives You at the book fair its a brilliant book.
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I have her – Heal Your Life book. It’s an incredible book 🙂
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