When your authentic protest is labelled ‘madness’

Fuck repression to high heaven. Sorry but there it is. I am used to being repressed, it started in the womb when I wasn’t allowed to be born until my Mum finished bottling her plum jam, it continued on in childhood and adolescent, being all squashed up inside and turned inside out having my teeth torn out and then straightened with hellish fucking head gear like something form of medieval torture. I am was then smashed up and lost my front teeth and after two constructions I now wear a denture which is much like a kind of bit. Each night at bed time when I take it out by body goes through fucking swings and round abouts. Its like some thing from a nightmare.

I am massively triggered today as my older brother is blocking my access to my inheritance. Mum left him as executor of the estate so whatever he says goes now. I have now power he will basically tricked down tid bits as he sees fit. I went ballistic this morning and then I apologised for I see that this is only inheritance money and I felt like spoiled brat after it all but I know I am not as it not a massive amount of money want only a small amount as a LOAN which can be paid back, but of course my brother doesn’t believe anything I say and continues to call me Debbie which is a childhood name I abhor and ask his family over and over not to keep calling me!!

I am fucking angry at the moment, he actively squashed my two others sister’s as well with his paternalist crap all under the egis of “for our own good!” What the fuck the guy is emotionally illiterate. He doesn’t contact me about anything that isn’t financial. It may be the height of ‘bad taste’ going public with all of this, but I need to get it out. His call came through about 9.30 and basically twisted my entire morning out of shape. I managed a walk and will get my lunch after writing this. It just seems whenever I try to protest something he labels me as crazy then I feel like an idiot for losing my cool which only adds fuel to his fire along with the belief I am dangerous to be around. He separated his only daughter and I many years back when she began to open up about the loveless state of his marriage……I am just protesting and he doesn’t want to hear it… like most narcissists .. he talks over the top of me in conversations and JUST DOESNT LISTEN… IF HE DOESTN LIKE SOMETHING HE JUST SHUTS THE CONVERSATION DOWN.

SORRY followers but I am massively triggered at the moment. I am trying to calm myself down and just put this latest thing under the list of things I cannot change, but I am not going to deny I am angry today. I managed a walk and I need to do other exercise to externalise the frustration so it doesn’t end up rebounding on me in terms of an accident.