Taking it on the chin

This post covers the same territory as the previous one that I thought got lost. I am trying to work through this fucking dilemma of being caged. Sorry for the repetition followers but writing is my way of processing and trying to sort the issue.

Well after two days of making a real effort get moving and be positive I have been taken back down into that powerless places today after being told someone will not help me with something very important. I felt like the power of the universe had been stripped away again and here it is 12.10 pm and I haven’t walked yet, though I did manage breakfast.

At the moment after having a fit and a lot of anger and a major spin out I am just trying to find a way to move through it and take it all on the chin at present. Certain things I have no power to affect, like the actions or fears or mistrust or disbelief of others. When the road blocks are set up there I can either collapse or look for another way of staying mobile and moving around them. I know if I just sit here and act like I am powerless I will soon be back in that harsh dark space of powerless victimhood and its something I fighting tooth and nail to get out of after reading Nancy Van Dyken’s book on every day narcissism which encourages us to look for some small way to find power within and without when we are made to feel powerless, to reach as hard as we can to find ways to peace.

So that is what I need today. I need to get my focus off of the difficult situation for a while and front up to the day in the best way I can. I lashed out at my brother big time this morning, too trying to protest something bloody unfair and he was calling me by my childhood name Debbie which I HATE and his wife and he continue to do it years after I have asked them to please call me Deb or Deborah.

I wasn’t savvy enough to take time out before being triggered by him big time this morning and its probably going to rebound on me badly some way down the line that I lashed out as he tends to label me as sick when this happens, like most narcissists. I found out during the call that he has been privy to all my financial information over years via my Mother before she died. I was ropable. This all comes out of a very enmeshed relationship with my Mum for which I now need to take responsibility. I was so boundaryless in the past and needy its just got me in such a mess. I need to figure out how I can become more financially independent because this is not a healthy situation boundary wise for me. Its making me feel sick.

Lashing out in anger even if justified just makes me seem ill, the truth is I am fucking fighting for my life here. I will not be taken down again but forces of repression seem to be surrounding me on all sides at present. I have a huge fight on my hands and I need to surrender those things I can but not buckle under the weight of it. I have to keep fighting. Some real changes are being called for and I have to take the pain on the chin in order to figure out a healthy way around the road blocks.