High level anxiety

I am experiencing high level anxiety in my body today with a host of feeling as well. I had to get Jasper off to the groomers early today and I woke about 6 with a cascade of chemical rushing through me and I honestly cant put it down to anything at all but I managed to get another hour and a half’s sleep as lately I am not getting off to sleep until after midnight and clocks are due to be turned back in just under two weeks and the weather is changing as is hours of light.

I got Jasper there by 9 am and did a walk with him before because I know its anxiety producing for dogs to be groomed, he hates the hair drier and they have him for most of the day. I cannot see what is going on but last time he came back with his eyes closed and looked so disoriented, I think they may have got soap in his eyes. He really did need a professional wash and trim though, I try not to subject him to this too much because he is a dog and I like to keep his life as natural and animal based as possible, but as a long hair spaniel he can get his coat and fur into a bit of a tangle over time much as I try to keep on top of things.

As far as the anxiety level goes its got to do also with this bank/money situation I have been loaded with….. I don’t want to say too much but I am feeling stressed about it. Setting a boundary means no chance of us meeting for 2 more years. Its not a lot of money needed and it will be paid back but I am also concerned what actually will happen if there is a man in my life putting pressure on me and I said something to Scott today about not wanting to have all my freedom sucked up or being dominated which on reflection perhaps is more about what my father did to me growing up than anything else.

A lot of sadness and pain seems to be emerging lately and its also been triggered by a novel I am reading in which a young girl is stressed following the separation of her mother and father and they are not meeting her at the level of feeling but instead visiting a psychologist who is using withdrawal of privileges as punishment. I got so triggered reading the book today I had to do some inner dialogue to get through it. And lately I am even more aware of this voice of criticism inside my head which arks up at some times of the day, especially for some reason around lunch time after I have been out and am coming back home. Today on the way home from the groomers I just wished I could stay in the car and keep driving to a new place and a new life to make a new start. I know its a fantasy but its there.

Uranus square Mars by transit is not easy and this week Mars is squaring my natal Uranus two and I realised today I am getting a ‘double whammy’ at the moment. Uranus wants freedom at any cost and bucks authority and ruts or rigidity. But paradoxically Uranian people can be rigid in their need for freedom and to live outside social sanctioned parameters. I am part way a new biography of feminist activist Germaine Greer at the moment (a fellow Aquarian) and some of it makes damned uncomfortable reading, especially some of so called sexual ‘freedom’ she enjoyed which all seems a bit bizarre and loveless to tell you the truth. She has the strong Uranian signature also with it aspecting her personal planets and her father suffered very serious post war PTSD and was not the most honest or warm of people. As a typical Uranian she had fallings out with rather a lot of people at times and has often been controversial in her views some of which are sound but some of which are a trifle bizzare and super radical.

I am glad to be back home at the moment and in a bit of a calmer space after writing. The wind has been whipping around and there is a real change of temperature in the air, a feeling of freshness and newness around but I also feel as though I am falling through space at the moment energetically speaking, being in my body is feeling a bit hard today. I may just try to settle down for the next hour or so before I have to go get Jasper and do some quiet reading. My nervous system seems to be really highly rattled today. I hope this anxious high wired energy around calms down soon. I am using the writing today just to contain myself and I did more breathing practice when I was in my triggers and comforted my scared self as best I could. Connecting inwardly and writing really can help with this if I don’t get too analytical with it. But just try to attend to the energies and feelings.