the longing for my mum which never goes away

Symptoms of discomfort are echoes. Phonetically, the world “symptom” when spoken aloud, may be heard as “some time”. This what a symptom is: a piece of our unintegrated past manifesting as discomfort… its is purely energetic and contained within our energy body, or what we call our emotional (energy in motion) body. We either find our emotional body peaceful, which is the consequence of energy that’s freely and harmoniously in motion, or we find our emotional body uncomfortable due to an emotional charge that arises because our energy cannot move freely (fear anger or grief).. our intent to be with these by wielding felt perception is akin to taking the unintegrated aspects of our child self in our arms and unconditionally loving it and comforting it.

Michael Brown

Resonances are really all around us in life. Some of us got to be held as youngsters, there was a loving ground beneath us or containing us, a space in which we could hopefully unfold, for some of us this got taken or never really existed and it can feel then a lot like we are foundering within but we aren’t really conscious of it or of why.

I tend to get the afternoon blues anywhere from 2 to 5 pm, I can get the energy spins too since my last serious accident that occurred with transiting Chiron on my Mars Saturn Moon occurred around 5 pm when I took myself a long long way from my Mum after the ending of my marriage, even though every cell in my body was calling me to stay near. I now see and understand the tremendous tug of war that was going on within me at that time and before my marriage ended and leading up to its breakdown. There was an ancestral component too I was not fully aware of until a lot further down the track after a lot of damage had been done.

Things from the past can haunt us, we know at times not why all the experiences and accidents or separations and traumas transpired as they did but usually there is a reason even if it is hidden well underground, some of us never get to uncover it, for some of us it rises up and can almost consume us in its quest to be known.

Peace with the past means, at least for me, understanding it as well as all the feelings involved or reactions to fear of fully feeling it. I won’t go into long winded explanations here, I know my past can never be changed and I truly want to create a better present but as long as I am running from the past that won’t happen and an unconscious past just unfortunately often ends up repeating.

Today I just let the longing for my Mum that was always there around this time of day when I used to come home to an empty house wash through me as I swept out the garage and cleaned away some cobwebs. The key to our house used to be left on a rusty nail in the shed in our garage in the house we lived when I was between the ages of 7 and 18. Sometimes I forgot to put the key back and I ended up cutting my wrist open so badly it needed 30 stiches one day by breaking a window trying to get in after I had been locked out. I had to run down to the neighbour’s house and get him to take me to the hospital. Is it any wonder I often get anxiety attacks when I come back to my house after being out.

Today I let my inner child just cry and tell me of her distress as I was cleaning out the garage. She told me she has to work really hard to keep everything clean and under control so that she can win love and be noticed and feel safe. There is no love to win here anyway as I live alone, its just Jasper my dog and I. Jasper looks on with a mixture of concern and confusion when I whizz around cleaning and sorting things on arriving home. Today mid cry I just thanked him for his silent loving unconditional ever watchful presence.

I was reading in Michael Brown’s book on The Presence Process today how the child part of us is really the witness, it lives outside of time and is quite vulnerable and gullible too, at least until we are aware of it. But in many ways it is more aware and more in touch with inner truth and emotions (energy motion) than our adult self who develops defences and protections. I think if you read most things on re bonding with the Inner Child this conflict is shown clearly, the adult us often has come to fear the Child’s feelings often we were taught were bad or wrong in some way or should just be buried or put away.

Today I felt again, that sense of deep peace as I reconnected with my inner feelings and process. I am sitting quietly now listening to the wind blowing gusts around my house, its a very autumnal day here in Australia, the leaves are beginning to fall and be tinged with red and gold. Much needed rain has been falling too over past days.

I just got back from the very artificial environment of our big shopping centre in town. I decided to have lunch at the Coffee Club on the way home from therapy and get somethings I needed but I got freaked out at our big Target store where I bought a new pair of slippers and some socks, there are no human manned checkouts any more its all self serve cashier points now and the sheer volume of stuff overwhelms me. I love living with a bit less these days, in a more grounded quiet way. I came home to my house which is an old weather board place with lots of deterioration but I feel relatively calm and happy now. The tumult of all those feelings I was fighting for so many years although still rising up seems to be subsiding more quickly the more true I am to connecting with this inner presence processing and then unpacking it in therapy.

Its so good to not be running from myself as much any more. To feel at home in a body that can contain me. I never really got contained as a child, my Mum didn’t even know how to contain her own emotions because of her own childhood trauma. It wasn’t her fault. But today I really let myself cry out with the longing I had for a mother who was never really present emotionally when I was younger. I never got needs met at the times or comfort and in later years when I may have been able to correct things or at least work on healing them we often pushed each other away as well. We stumbled and bumbled and tried to connect in later years and sometimes I held my Mum as she cried tears for her own emotionally absent mother and recognised a lot of the hurts done to her. She once told me my Nana never once told Mum she loved her and my Mum’s father died when she was only 7.

The pick moccasin slippers I bought today would have been ones my mother would have loved and worn too. When I look at them I think of her and I am grateful to be alive and have the money to buy them. I miss my Mum but the longing for her presence does not make me feel as hollow, empty, lost, spun about or scared as before. I just realise she is in a better place now and lately its seem through some stroke of grace and inner work, so am I.

tears represent blocked and stagnant energy that has unconsciously polluted our life with discomfort. When we let these tears flow, we increasingly re-enter the flow of the present. Such an emotional response means an energetic pathway is being restored between our adult and our chid self.