Trauma and sensitivity : Understanding the importance of our true feelings

Trauma and abuse scar the soul. They can lead to an even more painful sensitivity but one that in time and with understanding we can learn to bear with grace. In the book I am currently reading on everyday narcissism it speaks of how being told we are too sensitive really should be unpacked or rephrased for what it means…. something we as children all alone will not be able to understand. What is often means is this. “Your intensity of feeling makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really know how to deal with it. I have a hard enough time with my own fear, anger or sadness that its hard to bear yours too. Why can’t you just make life easier for me and less uncomfortable by being another way or getting over it!”

Behind all the myths of everyday narcissism is this unrealistic expectation: don’t have your emotions or needs, because they make other people uncomfortable. .. because of EN, most of us were never taught to take care of our own hearts – or how to know and communicate our own emotional needs. When we experience sensations in our bodies, we don’t know how to understand what they tell us. Instead, we may have learned to disconnect from our body – and therefore our emotions.

The truth is that we just feel the way we do and need what we need, but if its not okay with others as youngsters it may seem easier to sacrifice it in order to be accepted or loved. When we are exiled from love of parents it can feel like we are going to die, literally. Its not rational to us later in life but exile can carry with it this deep fear. We survive or are wounded in relationships and groups and we thrive in relationshipd or groups THAT TRULY SUPPORT OUR GENUINE SELF NOT THE FALSE SELVES SO MANY OF US HAD TO ADOPT IN ORDER TO BE LOVED.

The valid point that Nancy Van Dyken makes in her book is that growing up in our society with the way it is structured so few of us get to be our real selves and develop as our real selves. And thus we end up with a lot of false selves trying to relate in such a way as not to be abandoned. And the more sensitive we are, the more we long for connection, the less we were able to bond with others as babies or in childhood the more deeply rooted this need will be. People always say of those who stay with abusers, “Why didn’t you just leave.” This question by its very nature shows no awareness of trauma bonding. The person in question does not have enough of a stable base of true self within to support themselves nor a strong enough awareness of their own feelings present as inner sensations to guide them on their own path.

Who we are is made up of our likes, dislikes, wants, needs, feelings, values, beliefs, experiences, and spirituality. These comprise our personal boundaries – our truths, The myths of everyday narcissism (which I will outline below) tell us these truths are not important. Instead, we are encouraged to live by others’ truths because these are supposedly more important than our own. (thus).. we lose sight of who we are… we focus on taking care of others and being responsible for them. When we do this we become boundaryless….we… fail to declare ourselves.. don’t express boundaries, our identity, our truth, (or we may) honour our boundaries and then freeze. complain about not getting what we want after having done nothing to achieve it. ..wait for others to change, instead of changing ourselves. .. lose ourselves.. focus on others desires and needs, trust our own wisdom, honour our own boundaries. (and each time we don’t honour others or they honour us).. a wound is deepened… anger and hurt get stored inside. As children many of us keep this anger and hurt to ourselves. To our young minds, expressing those needs would result in rejection. And, often, we’d be right. We do this over and over until we don’t even have a right to be angry or hurt.

No matter what anyone may tell you or demand of you, feeling and trusting whatever emotion you experience is essential to your health and happiness. Your emotions give you important information about who you are and what is going on for you and what to do next. Trusting your emotions does not mean following any impulse that arises or believing that feelings need to always over rule your experience, reason or judgement. It simply means accepting each feeling is real and genuine, and valid; not doubting its legitimacy as an experience and not denying, dismissing, or devaluing it.

When the opposite happens as it does in emotionally discounting or disconnected families we believe our feelings don’t make sense, we should not have them. We may learn to numb or distract ourselves from them (eg a parent who says to a child upset by a friend’s unkind behaviour… ‘now don’t be like that.. it’s not nice… you be the bigger person and turn the other cheek! … what?? to be slapped again.) Thus victim energy is often born according to Van Dyken, as we learn the four myths of every day narcissism

1. We are Responsible for – and Have the Power to Control – how other people feel and behave.
2. Other people are responsible for – and have the Power to Control – the Way We Feel and Behave.
3. The Needs and Wants of Other People Are More Important than Our Own.
4. Following the Rules Is Also More Important than Addressing our Needs and Feelings. (one of the hallmarks of EN is that it often puts rules before people by elevating obedience and compliance and discounting genuine human needs.)

These four then result in the false principles of everyday narcissism.

1. I am responsible for how other people feel and behave. Therefore I experience myself as all powerful.
2. I am responsible for how others act toward me. Therefore, I once again experience myself as all powerful
3. Other people are responsible for how I feel and behave – and are supposed to make me feel safe, happy and okay. Therefore, I am the centre of the universe.

The resultt according to Van Dyken can be a fall into chronic passivity and conflict avoidance which is scary….when we try to avoid outer conflict we end up creating more inner conflict. Inward tension is the result if we avoid conflict externally, so is the build up of anger, resentment and depression within. Self punishment may be the result and the pervading eclipsing fears become fear of being vulnerable or rejected for being real and speaking up leading some of us to avoid relationships all together.

The cure for chronic passivity is action. It lies in taking responsibility for our happiness rather than relying on others to do it, it means facing fear as part of life, asserting ourselves without aggression or making accusations, letting go of blame, focusing on your own feelings, needs and wants, listening to the heart and our personal truth, understanding and changing old ingrained patterns takes time and can be fearful, focusing on progress rather than perfection. Paying attention to our body which is always giving us cues about the right way to go, notice fear but don’t focus on it for too long, is it a warning? Ask for time out if you feel you are not connected or are being pressured.. Paying attention to anger and fear, noticing if they are closing our hearts. Practicing speaking your truth kindly, with honesty. Apologising when wrong.

These new skills will not come easy if our fears of abandonment are very strong and we are steeped in the myths of everyday narcissism, but learning to practice them without guilt is essential for our psychological health