I feel so broken

I took this post down yesterday out of fear I cant let fear run my life I was trying to prcess something very painful. So I am reinstating it.

I feel so brokken today. Everything I tried to do to set right what I did wrong on Saturday has all turned to dust. I commented on a post I thought was about me and wasn’t and now I have been told that I make EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! I feel like such an idiot but yesterday I was hurting so much and all the pain regarding my dead sister who was confined to a wheelchair and her bed in her final years was going round and round in my brain And then the person I was in conflict with wrote a poem/post about someone overruning boundaries and trying to rescue and mistakenly I thought it was about me (How egocentric!!!).

Now I am not allowed to make anything public because its hurtful to the person who claims I misrepresented her but I said so little and took it down when I knew she was upset. How can I sustain a friendship when its all conditional on me keeping my mouth shut and that blocks down my main form of processing which is this blog. I am quite isolated where I live. I just don’t know what to do any more. It really hurts and I am crying writing this. I woke feeling so unsafe this morning after it all it was hard to get out of bed.

In addition I have been told I bought all the sadness and pain I felt yesterday upon myself. I guess that is true. Why did I help to give advice on a post on flashbacks? I felt the person suffering and in pain and thought I could offer some help so I innocently left a comment honestly with only good intent. I was really feeling for the person and now its all been turned against me.. Now she has accused me of psychoanalysing her when I just told her some things my therapist said about the way my body was responding to her energy during a difficult email exchange. Conflict is painful when one feels misunderstood.

But I see this entire wound has come out of trying to help and that was not my job. I was not asked for advice and I will no longer give advice where it is not warranted. But I also feel that because I am empathic at times I pick up on things others do not and because of my own trauma I also am attracted or attract others with trauma. I have been told that I am scaring the person because of my ideas on astrology and dealing with the powerful pull of flashback trauma. I just feel muzzled now. I feel tied up in knots.Well luckily someone I love and care for just called and I cried my eyes out telling her everything. She encouraged me to pour it all out even if I don’t post it to dislodge the feeling my chest had been filled with a gun load of schrapnel. This is not a beatup I haven’t been in that type of pain or hearing voices telling me I am a waste of space and should end my life for some months now. I have been told to let this all go. Not to write about it. but how can I let it go until I am ready. I just cant. Until I get clearer in my mind it will go around in circles. It has been a hard experience as WordPress has been a valued refuge of calm and safety for me for some years now. It would really be awful were that to change but as my friend just reminded me this is just one person and there are so many supportive understanding people on here that hopefully wont judge me. Its nearly 3 pm here and I haven’t been able to stomach more than an orange. I better go eat. I feel a little better for getting all of this off my chest.