Caught up in my head

I am noticing lately that my trauma cycles are related to thoughts. I tend to get overwhelmed with those I love are going through tough things and it was pretty much a constant since I moved back to my home town but then my thinking will travel backwards in time interlacing all the connected events that led me to here. Its not always a bad thing this introspection but I also notice that when it goes on too long I am not actually grounded in present time and in my body. I do have the planet Neptune in Scorpio in the third house of mind, everyday relationships, siblings and short journeys/movement. And as many of you who follow my blog know I also travel up and down the spiral staircase of the collective/ancestral unconscious. Most especially this week I noticed around 3 pm in the afternoon I was strongly thinking of my Nana who lost her husband at 39 years of age and was left in a new town miles from loved ones all alone apart from the help of a local SP bookie and entrepreneur who actually ended up lending my father and mother 20 thousand pounds to start their first business after Dad emigrated to Australia following World War Two and marrying my mother.

As I battle alone with the house and little Jasper as my ‘only child’ I think that I am just continuing the same journey. My first marriage hit the skids around the age of 42. Then there is my connection with a ‘soldier’ overseas in the darkest continent of all which I believe is real (while doubting at the same time.)

Anyway if I get caught up in all of these thoughts I can just get caught up in negative feedback loop, add in the looming cancer repetition for my older sis and lately I have hit the skids. My sis saw the surgeon at 8.30 am. I had awoken at 6 am with my stomach in havoc, I knew a good family friend was accompanying her to the appointment but I still felt remiss.. why could I not offer my unconditional support and go along. Anyway its a good sign, I actually took some Vitamin C and turmeric and went back to bed and only just awoke about 8.20 am but it took until her call at 10.35 to get out of my head spiral.

The news is pretty positive really. The cancer has not spread, it is in two places and she requires surgery and possibly radiotherapy. I will be able to support her through the later as I underwent 5 weeks of it back in 2016 so I know the ropes. I love my sis and I really want to be there but I don’t want it to stop my life. My therapist felt it was better I did not go this morning, I cried when I heard the good news because I believe if my sister takes good care of herself she will come through this and now family are here there will be more support for her. Its made me forget my selfish concerns about whether they ‘ignore’ me or not.

I got a good book out of the library yesterday on Everyday Narcissism. We all have a form of it. This is not the clinical or pathological narcissism but it deals with the boundary confusions we are taught as youngsters when we are not seen or helped to learn how to get our needs met and feelings addressed, or blamed or shamed by being taught to believe that in some way we are responsible for hurting others when we are just trying to be true to or express ourselves. You know the sort of thing, it involves parents wanting you to be a certain way to impress and not seeing that may be bother to you or make you feel sad, humiliated, ignored, discounted, hurt or judged.

The upshot of the book is that is okay to be who we are and if others try to blame or shame us for that or we do the same it really is a form of destructive narcissism. Its something I question a lot when I see so called ’empaths’ getting bent out of shape about so called ‘narcissists’ sometimes the so called narcissist is just not acting the way an empath would like or see as kind, good or right and then it can go the other way too.

Anyway this post has veered from the avenue of getting stuck in my head. Really I did finally get back into my body very quickly after the good news came through from my sister today. She still has a tough road ahead with the looming operation on 2 April. But she is in a positive frame of mind and she confessed to me on Saturday what a worrier she is, she said to me she was sure it had something to do with her cancer developing. We talked about getting stuck in negative thinking, not that we always need to be positive if that is not truthful, just that we don’t get stuck there like a gerbil on a wheel looping the same old same old fearful thoughts over and over and over. When we reach out to embrace the day and move into our bodies often things are not as bad as our minds have built them up to seem.